Monthly Archives: March, 2011

The Dubsism 2011 Opening Day Baseball Power Rankings

1)  Philadelphia Phillies

Upside: The pitching rotation – who else has three proven aces on their staff, with a chaser of Cole Hamels and Joe Blanton? Nobody.  Not to mention, this team won 97 games last year despite being crippled by injuries, and whoever wasn’t hurt kinda sucked.

Downside: The loss of Jayson Werth means if nobody emerges as protection for Ryan Howard, he won’t see 20 pitches to hit all year. It also means this line-up is waaaaay left-handed, and the Chase Utley injury doesn’t help. Oh, by the way, the bullpen sucks; and that was before the injury to Brad Lidge.

2)  Boston Red Sox

Upside: They are going to score runs by the buttload.  Jacoby Ellsbury and Dustin Pedroia setting the table  in front of a 3-4-5  Carl Crawford, Adrian Gonzalez, and Kevin Youkilis means there’s is going to be a lot of crooked numbers on the Fenway scoreboard.

Downside: I don’t give a damn what anybody says, I don’t buy this pitching staff.  Jon Lester is over-rated in my book, although he is still pretty solid. The rest of the starters are coin-flips; is the book out on John Lackey? It sure looks like AL hitters have figured him out.  For being some sort  of “wunderkind,” Clay Buchholz walks a lot of guys. Like it or not, this is as good as it gets, Josh Beckett and Daisuke Matsuzaka are non-factors. The addition of Bobby Jenks to the bullpen means, like me, the Red Sox have no faith in Jonathan Papelbon.

3) Atlanta Braves

Upside: While they are a collection of “what-ifs” built around a solid core of just enough hitting and just enough pitching, too many of those “what-ifs” look pretty likely.

Downside: How long is this Chipper Jones thing going to last? My fear is that the “resurgence” we saw this spring will fade, and far too many at-bats will be tossed into a hole hoping the dream returns.

4) New York Yankees

Upside: They are a mirror image of the Red Sox; that offense will score runs in droves.

Downside: They will need to score, because their pitching staff is going to give it up faster than a cheerleader on prom night. CC Sabathia is a legitimate ace, but it gets dicey quickly after that. Is AJ Burnett finished? Is Phil Hughes for real? Do Bartolo Colon and Freddy Garcia know it isn’t 2003 anymore?

5)  San Francisco Giants

Upside: Hey Philadelphia, you can phorget about Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee; the best 1-2 big game pitcher punch is in San Francisco in the form of Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain.  Last October showed that.  The same rotation that led them to the title is still intact, and if Jonathan Sanchez and Madison Bumgarner continue to develop, this entire staff if healthy could be better than the Phillies top-to-bottom.

Downside: We still don’t know if they can hit.  Miguel Tejada was the only upgrade made on the offensive end, and Buster Posey is the real deal, so it will all come down to Aubrey Huff, Pat Burrell and/or Cody Ross, and the newly-svelte Pablo Sandoval.

6)  Los Angeles Angels

Upside: This team has ownership that isn’t afraid to make a move, and you can look for the Angels to be lurking in the weeds at the trade deadline. Everybody saw this team roll over and die after losing Kendrys Morales; the acquisition of Dan Haren was a move for the future, so don’t be surprised when the Angels make another big mid-season move.

Downside: The whole season may be riding on one move; the Vernon Wells acquisition. It could be a stroke of genius, or it could become a money-sucking vortex ion the middle of the Angel lineup.

7) Minnesota Twins

Upside: No matter what, this team always gets a miracle out of somebody when they need it, as in Jim Thome last year.

Downside: They might need that miracle, because this team really underwhelms me on paper, especially if this Morneau concussion situation keeps dragging on. Besides, to be honest, I’m growing weary of the Twins model – start slow, finish strong, get crushed by the Yankees in October.

8 )  Cincinnati Reds

Upside:  This team has one of the two young pitching staffs with  huge potential. They also have a reigning MVP in Joey Votto, and all signs point to this being the breakout year for Jay Bruce. Plus, they are in the NL Central, where nobody is going to be any good.

Downside: That pitching staff is managed by Dusty “The Ligament Shredder” Baker, and there’s no telling how long the Scott Rolen miracle will continue.

9) Chicago White Sox

Upside: This is another line-up that will score runs, especially with the addition of Adam Dunn and the fact they will be no longer wasting at-bats on Manny Ramirez and Andruw Jones.  If  Alex Rios’ resurgence wasn’t a fluke, if they can get Carlos Quentin healthy, and if Gordon Beckham plays like he did late last  year, they could run away with the AL Central.

Downside: Also known as the reasons why they won’t win the division, namely a pitching staff that is completely fraudulent after Mark Buehrle, and the fact they have no depth. A couple of key injuries, and this team suddenly becomes the Royals.

10) Oakland Athletics

Upside: This is the other team with the fascinating young pitching staff. The top four starters in Oakland combined for a 3.16 ERA in 700 innings pitched last season.

Downside: Their offense was what let them down last year, and they only added Hideki Matsui and Josh Willingham. There aren’t a lot of guarantees on engine performance when you only add two used spark plugs.

11)  Colorado Rockies

Upside: They have 3 of the most exciting young players in baseball in Ubaldo Jimenez, Troy Tulowitzki, and Carlos Gonzalez.

Downside: That’s really all they have.

12) Milwaukee Brewers

Upside: There’s a love fest in Milwaukee. Everybody loves Zack Greinke in the NL.  Everybody loves the Shaun Marcum acquisition. Everybody loves Prince Fielder in a contract year.

Downside: All this love is still in Milwaukee. The Brewer line-up is thinner than light beer, and that will only get worse when Fielder gets traded.

13) Texas Rangers

Upside:  They can still be competitive in the AL West, even with the loss of Vlad Guerrero’s bat and the inevitable return to earth of C.J. Wilson and Colby Lewis.

Downside: It won’t take much to remain competitive in the AL West, which means it more than likely looks to be another long summer in Arlington.

14) Detroit Tigers

Upside: They have a “good enough” rotation, and they added some punch to an offense which already features the best offensive weapon in the AL.

Downside: Does the Miguel Cabrera situation become a distraction? If so, and the key to the Tiger offense goes in the tank, Detroit flounders faster than the Edmund Fitzgerald. If not, they could steal this division out from under the Twins and White Sox.

15) Florida Marlins

Upside: Don’t look now, but this team can pitch.

Downside: What will the offense be without Dan Uggla, and what will Mike Stanton do in a full season?

16) St. Louis Cardinals

Upside: At least they still have Albert Pujols. If Lance Berkman has anything left in the tank, if Colby Rasmus can become an All-Star, and if Jake Westbrook can pitch as well as he did in the 2nd half of last year, the Cards can keep the Reds honest in the NL Central.

Downside: This might be the end for the LaRussa era in St. Louis. Even if Pujols stays with the Cardinals, Adam Wainwright’s future is now a question mark, Chris Carpenter’s dominating ways are nearing an end, Jamie Garcia can’t be counted on to be as good as he was last year, and it wasn’t that long ago Colby Rasmus was making trade demands.

17)  Baltimore Orioles

Upside: Don’t look now, but this team doesn’t suck.  Seriously, it jumped out at me how not terrible this line-up is: Brian Roberts, Nick Markakis, Derrek Lee, Vladimir Guerrero, Luke Scott, Adam Jones, Mark Reynolds, Matt Wieters, J.J. Hardy…and with Jake Fox crushing the ball this spring, Buck Showalter is going to have some interesting options on the line-up card.

Downside: Even though Brian Matusz and Chris Tillman show a ton of potential in the rotation, the rest of the pitching staff is thinner than an Ethiopian swimsuit model.

18 )  Tampa Bay Rays

Upside: The off-season is over, so it can’t get any worse…the Rays have had the worst off-season in recent memory, having lost Carl Crawford, Carlos Pena, Jason Bartlett, Rafael Soriano, Joaquin Benoit, and Grant Balfour. At least they can still pitch.

Downside:  After Evan Longoria, the line-up gets pretty scary. If Johnny Damon and Manny Ramirez have nothing left, this could be a tough year.

19) Los Angeles Dodgers

Upside: They have a couple of decent starters, they have some interesting arms in the bullpen, and Frank McCourt likely won’t own this team much longer.

Downside: Here’s the Dodgers represented in punctuation ???????????????????????????????????? This team is nothing but a parade of questions, not the least of which is who will own it this time next year? Who will pay the bills until then? Who, if anybody on this offense is actually going to do something at the plate?

20) Toronto Blue Jays

Upside: This team has talent that should really give them a bright future.

Downside: The future isn’t today. The Blue Jays had a great season last year due to a rejuvenated offense led by Jose Bautista’s 54 homers. That isn’t likely to happen again, but if it does, Toronto could be in the three-way fight to finish third in the AL East.

21) Chicago Cubs

Upside: Its spring, when Cubs fans everywhere have hope that at long last, this will finally be the year the winning drought in Wrigley Field ends.

Downside: The Cubs have an average-at-best rotation, and aging stars on offense. Spring becomes summer; the drought continues.

22)  San Diego Padres

Upside: You really can’t beat the weather in San Diego…and they still have a nice, albeit thin,  pitching staff.

Downside:  The competitive days are over, at least for a while. With the departure of Adrian Gonzalez, this team will be in rebuilding mode for a while.

23) Washington Nationals

Upside: This team certainly seems to get the idea that their time starts in 2012 or 2013, and they are building to that. There future is so bright, they may in fact need to wear shades.They’ve cracked open the piggy-bank, even to a ridiculous level, but in that spend-gasm they have sent the message they intend to field a competitive team built around the young phenoms in Stephen Strasburg and Bryce Harper.  The pitching staff is solid, although unspectacular.

Downside: Timing…this is the year the Gnats take a step toward the future by finishing in front of the meltdown known as the Mets. But this year is the last year before the expectations are going to go up. They can still be terrible this year, but if they finish fifth in 2013, they may just become a red version of the Cubs.

24)  Seattle Mariners

Upside: Felix Hernandez. Here’s how a guy wins a Cy Young Award on 13 measly wins: 2.27 ERA, 249.2 innings, 232 K, 1.06 WHIP, and a .212 BAA. He’s either the lynchpin of your pitching rotation for the next decade, or he’s the guy you will get a king’s ransom for some July in the future.

Downside: The line-up. After Ichiro, Seattle becomes a black hole of offense. This team will struggle to score three runs a game. If this team wins 75 games, I will eat my keyboard.

25) Houston Astros

Upside:  See the Tampa Bay Rays…hopefully the nightmare is over soon.  Last year saw the Astros had a fire sale which leaves them arguably as a Texas version of the Pirates, although I’m not sure the are as good as the Pirates. After the carnage, they are left with a team consisting of a pitching staff starring a warmed-over Brett Myers and a pseudo-talented outfield. Hunter Pence is entering his prime and coming off a .282/25/91 season and now carries the torch as Houston’s best player. In left field, Carlos Lee still can put up some power numbers, although he’s is begin to show the signs of age. Michael Bourn swiped 52 bases last season and  Jason Michaels can play all three outfield positions.

Downside: Look at the Upside. Hunter Pence is your best player. Brett Myers is your best pitcher.  The credible concept has been floated you are worse than the Pirates <shudders>.

26) Pittsburgh Pirates

Upside: All things considered, the Pirates have actually cobbled together some pieces that threaten to put them on the verge of respectability. Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t there yet, but with some young talent like Andrew McCutchen and Pedro Alvarez, they at least have something to build on.

Downside: But will they build on it? You don’t go through two decades of being a laughing stock without making a science out of bad decision making. Also, if they decide to build, will they finally invest in some pitching?

27) New York Mets

Upside: If you believe in rays of hope, here’s a couple.  Brad Emaus will have double digit home runs and stolen bases for the Mets…his on-base percentage in the minors the last two years was .402 and .395, respectively.  Jose Reyes will score 100 runs, steal 40 bases and hit double-digit home runs…he’s in a contract year, and numbers like that could make him baseball’s next $100 million.

Downside: Right after any of those things happen, we can all join hands and visit the fairy princess together. Not only does the ownership situation threaten to sink the ship, it completely kills the ability to make the moves the Mets need to stay relevant in the NL East. Let’s face it, meltdown, dumpster fire, train wreck…they all are synonymous with “Mets.”

28 ) Arizona Diamondbacks

Upside: Kevin Towers has taken over as GM, so the rebuilding can begin.

Downside: It’s going to get worse before it gets better in Arizona. This was a team on the rise just a few years ago, now there will be a long rebuilding process. It starts with trading Justin Upton.

29) Kansas City Royals

Upside: They got rid of the over-rated and soon-to-be-oft-injured Zach Grienke, and the monstrously overpaid Gil Meche. Now all they have to do is get rid of humps like anybody currently in the Royal outfield and the entire pitching staff except for Joakim Soria, so they can start bringing up the talent they are over-stocked on in the minors.

Downside: General Manager Dayton Moore is a bit of an unproven commodity, so there’s no guarantee that he isn’t going to mortgage the future if the fans expectations suddenly outstrip the team’s talent.

30) Cleveland Indians

Upside: They have one good hitter in Shin-soo Choo, one good pitcher in Fausto Carmona, and one excellent catcher in Carlos Santana, and rumors keep swirling the Tribe has some interesting youngsters down on the farm.

Downside: The heyday for this team was fifteen years ago, and unless you can find a way to add Roger Dorn, Pedro Cerrano, Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn, and Jake Taylor to the roster, there will be more than one long summer in Cleveland’s near future.

What Do My Brackets Have in Common With a Push-Up Bra?

I should have known better. Every year, by the end of the first weekend of the basketball tournament, my brackets are just so much smoldering wreckage. Every year, I think the Hockey tournament can save my enjoyment of filling out brackets.  And every year, I am as wrong as a push-up bra for eight-year-olds.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that statistically speaking, my chances of picking a perfect bracket in a 64-team field are 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 to 1 (that’s 9.2 quintillion, sports fans – which means you are 24 billion times more likely to win the lottery). I mention this only because I discovered the flaw in my belief that a sixteen-team bracket would be far easier to predict. While technically it is, to do it perfectly is still leaves the odds at 380 billion to 1.

The Dubsism March Movie Spectacular – The Elite Eight

Regional Finals abound in our sports movie tournament. It is begging the question “does life imitate art or does art imitate life.” Just like real basketball tournaments (perhaps not this year’s) some top seeds perform, and there’s always a Cinderella looking to crash the ball.

Voting in this round will close Friday at midnight.

West Region:

Midwest Region:

South Region:

East Region:

A Team-by-Team Warning About the NFL Draft

To make a long story short, it is very dangerous to pile all your hopes and dreams on a draft pick. To prove that point, I’ve complied a list of guys who at the time were all seen to be saviors of franchises, only to disappoint for what ever reason.  Naturally,  guys like Ryan Leaf pop right into your head, but it can happen to any draft, and it can happen to any team. Not to mention, if a hairdo-on-a-zit like Mel Kiper can make a career of saying “Trev Alberts sucks,” then why can’t I offer a treatise of the pitfalls of the draft?

As much as the Kipers of the world love to hang their hair-dos on criteria like vertical leaps, 40-yard dash times, and Wunderlic scores, there are equally good, if not far better indicators, that play to the negative side. The problem is we live in a country that is all about “feel-good-ism,” a country in which pointing out a fact that isn’t about sunshine, puppy dogs, and lollipops makes you a “Negative Nancy.” Screw that – if my team is about to lay out multi-millions of dollars on an unproven rookie, I want to know exactly on which my team is mortgaging its football  future.

Simply stated, there are some common reasons why a draft pick bombs, and the purpose of this post is to remind football fans everywhere the dangers hidden in every draft pick.  What  are those common reasons you ask? The list we compiled here at Dubsism falls into 5 categories.

  • Character issues (thug, lunatic, immature)
  • Could not  make the adjustment to the professional game
  • Substance abuse issues
  • Over-rated expectations (one guy can’t save a bad organization)
  • Got hurt

With that, here is the warning to every NFL franchise, phrased in the context of the most damaging draft pick they ever made.

Atlanta Falcons: Aundray Bruce, 1st Overall pick , 1988

You would think a linebacker/defensive end who was 6’5”, 265 pounds would be a stud, right? This is the first warning about just because a dude looks like a player ,it may not mean he is a player.  The former Auburn uber-god made 35 starts in four years with the Falcons, finishing with 176 tackles, 16 sacks and three interceptions. He continued the non-living-up-to-the-expectations in Oakland by never having more than 25 tackles in a season. For those wondering who the Falcons passed up that year in the draft: Five picks later there was some guy available  named Tim Brown.

Arizona: Andre Wadsworth, 3rd Overall pick , 1998

Wadsworth (6’4”, 278) was unstoppable at Florida State, and he certainly looked the part of a dominant defensive end. But as the saying goes, looks can be deceiving; he lasted in the league only three seasons and racked one season’s totals:  72 tackles, eight sacks and one interception.

Baltimore: Kyle Boller, 19th Overall pick, 2003

For all intents and purposes, Boller was the anti-Aaron Rodgers. The draft hype surrounding the ” golden arm kid from Cal” rose his stock out of the second/third round where he belonged, and once in the league, he played like the back-up QB he always going to be in the NFL.

Buffalo: Tony Hunter, 12th Overall pick, 1983

Who drafts a tight end this high? There might be three or four tight ends in the history of the league worth a high pick. A guy who only lasted two years for the Bills  isn’t one of them.

Carolina: Rae Carruth, 27th Overall pick, 1997

Shouldn’t there be some sort of psychological evaluation in the NFL draft since we seek to quantify every damn thing else. Or perhaps just a question on the Wunderlic test “Would you kill your pregnant girlfriend to avoid child support payments?”

Chicago: Curtis Enis, Fifth Overall pick, 1998

Just another in the long line of failed Penn State running backs in the NFL. While he was an impressive physical specimen (6’0”, 242 pounds), but he took four years to rack up 1,497 rushing yards and four touchdowns in his career.

Cincinnati: David Klingler, Sixth Overall pick, 1992

Wow, this one was a tough call, because Akili Smith was every bit the draft bust. But I have to go with Klingler as he really did look more the part of an NFL quarterback than Smith ever did.

Cleveland: Tim Couch, 1st Overall pick, 1999

Part of me still can’t figure why this guy never panned out in the NFL. I saw how smooth he was rolling out of the pocket and what a great delivery he had. He could throw the short and intermediate passes and hit receivers on deep balls with precision. The guy sure as hell looked like a better quarterback in the SEC than Peyton Manning ever did, but he never made the transition.

Dallas: David LaFleur, 22nd Overall pick, 1997

See my earlier rule about drafting a tight end. Even at LSU, LaFleur had a rep fro dropping passes; that was the one part of his scouting report he lived up to. Worse yet, he was a big guy (6’7”, 272 pounds) who couldn’t block. Can’t catch, can’t block;  sounds like a first-round tight end to me.

Denver: Tommy Maddox, 25th Overall pick, 1992

It takes a special sort of guy to go from being the “heir-apparent” to John Elway (yeah, they actually said that) to insurance salesman, to Most Valuable player in the short-lived XFL, then NFL Comeback Player of the Year in 2002. I swear this guy’s life could be a bad sports movie, somewhere between “Everybody’s All-American” and “Heaven Can Wait.”

Detroit: Andre Ware, 7th Overall pick, 1990

Wathcing the career high-light reel of Ware’s NFL days is like replacing your contact-lens solution with habanero pepper sauce. It’s like hiws college days and the NFL were photo-negatives of each other; he was unbelievable as a college quarterback, but in the NFL he couldn’t have sucked more if you gave him a fully-automated, nuclear-powered suck machine. There are guys today who suck and can eclipse Ware’s career totals in three games (completed 83 of 161 passes for 1,112 yards and five touchdowns).

Green Bay: Tony Mandarich, 2nd Overall pick, 1989

What else can you say? Mandarich is the post child for draft busts.

Houston: David Carr, 1st Overall pick, 2002

Speaking of poster children, Carr may be it for “quarterbacks who got drafted on to a sorry-ass team that never put any players around him.” His offensive line was non existent, defenses tore him apart, and somehow he managed to throw for over 2,000 yards each season while being sacked 249 times.

Indianapolis: Steve Emtman, 1st Overall pick, 1992

A bust, and yet really not his fault – what are you supposed to do when you suffer a knee injury just over halfway into your rookie year? Emtman never recovered, and instead serves a yet another warning about how there no guarantees.

Jacksonville: Matt Jones, 21st Overall pick, 2005

It was almost the perfect storm – Jacksonville has a history of guys who didn’t live up to their potential (Reggie Williams, Tony Boselli, R. Jay Soward, Kevin Hardy). Throw in a guy with a coke habit whom you intend to switch from quarterback to wide receiver and voila, you get Matt Jones.

Kansas City: Ryan Sims, 6th Overall pick, 2002

Tony Mandarich may be the poster child for draft busts, but Sims may in fact be the worst ever.  In five seasons, he had 65 total tackles and five sacks. He was so unproductive that he was traded to Tampa Bay for a seventh round pick, meaning he may have been a waste of two draft picks.

Miami: Sammie Smith, 9th Overall pick, 1989

The former Florida State running back is the embodiment of the frustration the Dolphins have had at running back. Since the early 70′s when they boasted the troika of Jim Kiick, Mercury Morris, and Larry Czonka close to 40 years ago, the Dolphins have only had two running backs with more than 3,000 career rushing yards, and one of those is Ricky Williams (see below). So, when you bomb running the rock in Miami, well, don’t be surprised when you get chants of  “Sammie Sucks.”

Minnesota: Dimitrius Underwood, 29th Overall pick, 1999

This is a tragedy on so many levels, not the least of which is that this tragedy is 100% the fault of that pompous retard Dennis Green. The whole world warned Green prior to the draft that Underwood was not mentally healthy, and that he was on prescription drugs that made being an NFL problematic at best. But, in one of those trademark Dennis Green moments of complete arrogance, Green drafts the kid anyway thinking he can “solve” whatever problem the poor kid has. That lasted three days, with Underwood walking out of training camp after the first day due and being found three days later after slitting his own throat. Dennis Green should have been fired and banned from ever coaching again after this, but it’s not like we will ever see him again.

New England: Hart Lee Dykes, 15th Overall pick, 1989

This may be one of my favorites of all time. Here’s a guy that single-handedly almost got four NCAA squads placed on probation, and yet couldn’t succeed at the easiest position in the NFL. Seriously, I can show you so many crap athletes that succeeded as wide receivers that anybody who failed as badly as Dykes did is hardly worthy of being called a football player.

New Orleans: Ricky Williams, 5th Overall pick, 1999

If there was ever a sign that Mike Ditka had lost it, this was it. Ditka was the reason the Saints mortgaged their future in that draft to get Williams. It was an idiotic move, and it doomed the franchise to nearly a decade of mediocrity.

New York Giants: Ron Dayne, 11th Overall, 2000

The former Wisconsin running back and Heisman Trophy winner had all the makings of a punishing power runner. But he proved simply to slow to be effective in the NFL.

New York Jets: Blair Thomas, 2nd Overall pick, 1990

See Curtis Enis and the aforementioned “Penn State running back” rule.  This former Nittany Lion is considered one of the greatest busts in NFL history, and that is only made worse when you realize the Jets could’ve had Emmitt Smith.

Oakland: Todd Marinovich, 24th Overall pick, 1991

Marinovich is what happens when you let those “little league dads” go to far. He had an obsessive, overly-driven father who molded him into a 6’4”, 215 pound prototype for an NFL  quarterback. Sadly, “Daddy Dearest” also drove him into being a drug user, which prompted the nickname “Marijuana-vich.”

Philadelphia: Mike Mamula, 7th Overall pick, 1995

The classic “workout warrior,” the Boston College defensive end was simply off the charts at the scouting combines. He ran a 40-yard dash in under two seconds. He’s still doing bench press reps at 225 pounds. He walked across a lake and healed an injured swan. Know what he couldn’t do? Tackle anybody.

Pittsburgh: Tim Worley, 7th Overall pick, 1989

If you haven’t noticed, 1989 was The Year of the Bust. This former Georgia running back makes the fourth bust in the first round of that year’s draft (the other three being  Sammie Smith, Tony Mandarich and Hart Lee Dykes).  Worley managed to compile earth-shattering stats such as 1,338 rushing yards, 5 touchdowns, and 196 receiving yards in only four years.

Seattle: Brian Bosworth, 1st Overall pick, Supplemental Draft, 1987

If there is a football fan over forty who doesn’t remember “the Boz” getting stone cold run over by Bo Jackson, I want to meet him. By the time that happened, “the Boz” had become that guy everybody was so tired of; he didn’t get far into his pro career before his being busted for steroids and his general cocky attitude wore thin with pretty much everybody.  Nobody felt sorry for him when he became just another case of a guy whose body fell apart when he couldn’t be on the juice anymore.

St. Louis: Lawrence Phillips, 6th Overall pick, 1996

Here’s another case where a psychiatric exam would have saved everybody a lot of time and trouble. One look under the hood of this clown’s brain would have told us all we need to know – emotionally immature, violent,  and unstable. Rather, we had to wade through a litany of behavior issues and arrests. Not surprisingly, heis  currently serving time in prison.

San Diego: Ryan Leaf, 2nd Overall pick, 1998

Do you think the Colts’ Bill Polian looks back at 1998 and realizes what a bullet he dodged? If you recall, Indianapolis had the first pick in that year’s draft, and there was much debate over who was going to be the franchise quarterback for the next generation, Leaf or Peyton Manning. It sounds ridiculous now, but at the time Manning was viewed as immobile and “damaged goods” as he already had a history of knee injuries, whereas Leaf was seen as a 6”6″, 250-pound adonis who could throw the ball through a wall with what we now call Roethlisberger-like ability to make plays.  But that giant man-body supported the brain of a child; Leaf’s petulant and obnoxious behavior destroyed his career in very short order.

San Francisco: JJ Stokes, 10th Overall pick, 1995

Whoever called this guy “the next Jerry Rice” should have their press pas revoked. While Stokes wasn’t completely useless, he certainly never lived up to the expectations; he never broke 1,000 yards in a season and averaged less than four catches per game.

Tampa Bay: Vinny Testaverde, 1st Overall pick, 1987 – Bo Jackson 1st Overall pick, 1983 -  Steve Young, 1st Overall pick,  1984

Let’s talk about a franchise that for its first twenty years of existence of defined “futile.” Can you imagine getting the rights to this kind of talent and having absolutely nothing to show for it? None of these guys were “busts,” but none of them ever did anything in a Bucs uniform.

Tennessee: Adam Jones, 6th Overall pick, 2005

What a complete waste of talent. Pacman was extremely talented and should have had an incredible career. Instead, because nobody decided to look ant this guys’ lack of mental growth and stability, we get yet another case of a guy who is likely going to end up in prison.

Washington: Heath Shuler, 3rd Overall pick, 1994

Here’s a case of a guy who raped our eyes as a Redskin quarterback, now he had returned to Washington as a democratic Congressman, so he can rape our wallets.

Trash-Talking the Sweet Sixteen

Now that  my brackets are so much smoldering wreckage, and now that my teams are out, it is time for a big dose of what the original purpose of this blog was: a profanity-filled triade about shit I don’t like. And since I can’t like this tournament anymore…


Know what a “VCU” is? Fifteen years ago, it was that machine my post-stroke grandmother thought played movies, but instead constantly blinked “12:00,” as if it were mocking her inability to drool out “VCR.”Worse yet, if you make the mistake of asking anybody at VCU what that acronym actually means, you will get a 25-minute lecture on how the “C” stands for “Commonwealth,” because Virginia is technically a “commonwealth” and not a “state.” Of course, the people who say that are simply trying to pretend they don’t go a state school that by law has to admit every resident mouth-breather who can drop a Skoal-loogie on the correct spot on the application.

Wrong're thinking of Virginia TECH.


Here’s a fun, yet useless fact I’ve been hearing all week: there are as many schools from Richmond, VA in the tournament as there are from the whole Big East (2). Here’s a more accurate statement. There are as many teams from Richmond that anybody gives a shit about as there are from the whole Big East (0).

Ooooh, spiders...I'm soooo scared.

Besides, how can anybody have any respect for a team whose mascot John Goodman knew how to eliminate 20 years ago?


Thanks to the movie “Hoosiers,” Larry Fucking Bird, and now you assholes, everybody thinks any little piss-ant school from Indiana means something when it comes to basketball. Let’s do a rundown of the D-I basketball schools from Hoosierland and you tell me which ones matter.

  • Butler – A private, liberal arts college which is best-known for its dance program. This means there are two types of Butler students: meth heads whose daddies have too much money for Indiana State, and Daddy’s Little Fruitcup who will spend four years auditioning for “So You Think You Can Dance?”
  • Indiana – The school that brought you both the burly,  masculine assholery of Bobby Knight and the sheer once-a-month-crampy bitchiness of Myles Brand.  Once a proud program, but hasn’t been relevant in nearly a decade.
  • Purdue – Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon, was a Purdue alum. This shows how far people will go to get the fuck out of West Lafayette.
  • Notre Dame – A great school with a great tradition, especially if you want to be gang-raped by drunken football players or sent careening to your death off a 70-foot scissor lift. If you happen to get gang-raped while falling off a scissor-lift, you will be honored by having your name etched on one of the mosaic tiles that forms “Touchdown Jesus’” ball-sack.
  • Indiana State – Located in beautiful Terre Haute, ISU competes for local talent along with two prisons and a mental institution. This is precisely why if you want to major in schizophrenia, meth production, or pumping out bastard children, ISU is for you.
  • Ball State – Too easy…Insert your own joke here. Better make sure those jokes are funny, because this walk-in VD clinic school has produced such comedy titans as Jim Davis, Joyce DeWitt, and David Letterman (who was funny once, but not since the Civil War).
  • Evansville – Another small liberal arts college; this one is known for its physical therapy and theatre departments. So, when the therapist who is helpinbg you after your stroke insists on putting his thumb in your ass, chances are he went to Evansville.
  • Valparaiso – Not even people who live in Valparaiso can tell you where the hell the campus is, and they sure as hell can’t tell you why it even exists.


Can somebody explain to me why people in this town think women’s basketball is such a great thing? Between these assholes and those shit-eating, inbred, hillbillies in Knoxville who think Pat Summitt is actually a woman, they have convinced a disturbingly large enough segment of the sports-watching population that womens’ basketball ISN’T a bunch of six-and-a-half foot tall lesbians who can’t play basketball while looking like a boys’ high-school team somebody cut the nuts off of five years ago.


Do you know why Wisconsin is home to so many  great serial killers? Because somehow Wisconsinites have taken two great things like sports and booze and managed to completely fuck them up. As far as the University of Wisconsin is concerned, the sport they really are the best at is hockey, which is why they play every other sport like the are on the ice. Badger football is like an old-school NHL game; they get a big offensive line and just beat you into the boards for sixty minutes, Bucky hoop is like watching that adapted version of floor hockey they let the retarded kids play; lots of passes so bad they look like shots, and shots so bad they look like passes. Even the girls teams only change their pads every three periods.

Worse yet is their coach, Bo Ryan. Now that Bruce Pearl is toast at Tennessee, Ryan is the only guy left who makes it a point to color coordinate his blazers in some awful school color. This is a fact only made worse by his extreme resemblance to a modern-art nightmare.


You know what the worst part of this college basketball season was? It wasn’t the fact that somehow you turned some nearly-albino virgin kid into the biggest white-guy basketball sensation outside of Duke. It was the fact that I had to defend your silly-ass honor code. I don’t have a beef with your having an honor code. I don’t even have a beef with you kicking that kid off the team over violating it. He knew the drill when he signed up, nobody put a gun to his head when he made the commitment to follow it, and nobody forced him to stick his dick in his girlfriend and screw his teammates by breaking the commitment he voluntarily made.

But what pisses me off to no end is the fact that you as a university made it a point to run out in front of the press and shout this story from the mountain top.  You didn’t have to tell the whole world the story; there’s some real honor in keeping “family business” inside the family. Instead, you decided you needed to show the whole world how honorable you are through humiliating this kid needlessly by putting his business in the street, and for that I offer you my heartiest of FUCK YOUs.


This place ought to be renamed The University of Gutless.  Marquette’s basketball team used to be known as the Warriors, until every member of their board of trustees grew multiple vaginas and decided AGAINST the will of the student body and the alumni that the nickname was “insensitive to Native Americans.” Of course, this completely ignores the fact that a “warrior” is defined as a person experienced in or capable of engaging in combat or warfare, especially within the context of a tribal or clan-based society that recognizes a separate combatant class. There’s a whole range of cultures to which that applies, ranging from the Bushido Samurai to the Spartans. Yet, the pointy-heads at Marquette decided it could only apply to those who when they cash their government checks get blind-drunk on the “firewater,” then build casinos.

This begs another important question. Since when does the Catholic Church give a flying fuck about political correctness? Don’t forget that Marquette is a Jesuit school, and the Jesuits aren’t just garden-variety papists; they are the Waffen-SS of Catholicism. They can show up in any diocese and do whatever the fuck they want, and the local bishop can’t say shit to them. In other words, these aren’t exactly the guys who cower at a bunch of soccer moms who think “we might be being mean to the Indians.”

If that weren’t enough, the Catholic Church as a whole isn’t exactly the “canary in the coal mine” when it comes to being sensitive to public opinion.  In fact, their only recent change on the position of contraception is it is acceptable to use a condom only when the altar boy has diarrhea.

Florida State:

Dear ACC,

You should be fucking embarrassed that a low-rent school like this represents your sorry-ass conference. With all the blather you spew about what  “hallowed” basketball institutions other members like Duke and North Carolina are, you have the unmitigated gall to subject us to the likes of the Seminoles. What can you say about Florida State that can’t be summed up in the phrase “FSU: The strip mall of universities.”


If it weren’t for Florida State, Florida would be the Sunshine State’s’ supposedly “academic” collection Kool-Aid and cheap vodka drinkers, jean-short wearers, and hillbilly rapists.  If you’ve ever been to UF, then you know exactly what the statement “It took Tallahassee to make Gainesville look good” means.


I used to have nothing good to say about Kansas until I read that one of their state legislators actually proposed controlling the illegal immigrant population in the same manner they use for feral hogs; picking them off with rifles from helicopters. Once you get past the monstrous racism in that comment, you are struck with the realization that even its crushing stupidity, this represents a “man landing on the moon” advance in Kansan-type thinking. The only thing that is funnier is the people who think this guy gives Kansans a bad name; like they didn’t already have one.

Oh, and I’m pretty sure Bill Self molests collies.

Ohio State:

Even though he was  a football guy, nobody was a more loyal Buckeye than Kirk Herbstreit, and even he was giving double-birds out the window on his way out the the shit-hole formerly known as Columbus.  In other words, even he had to split town because he only fellated the statue of Woody Hayes once a day rather than the expected thrice. This is exactly the problem with Buckeye fans; they have so little else that unless you swear your undying devotion and back it up on an hourly basis, they declare you a heretic and kill your house pets. In all honesty, the best description I’ve ever read about Ohio came from the good people at Deadspin:

“We make fun of Ohio here at Deadspin an awful lot, and with good reason. If you placed an electrified cupcake in the center of the state, half the population would be dead by morning. And the other half would be asking for extra sprinkles.”

What else can you say? These are the people who expect perfection while investing only idiocy; the kind of people who try to “return” foster children after they’ve raped them. Buckeye fans belong in that same circle of hell reserved for pederasts, people who run scams on the elderly, and deadbeat fathers.


This was a "high-water mark" in the history of Kentucky cleverness.

Kentucky tears me. On the one hand, I believe Kentucky bourbon is the definition of “manna from heaven;” single drinking-handedly I’m probably 40% of the economy of the Bluegrass State. If you ever see me on one of those “Intervention” shows, dump your stock in Jim Beam.  Don’t wait to call your stock broker in the morning, break into his house that night and get your money the fuck out NOW. But on the other hand, when it comes to basketball, these people still revere that racist asshole Adolph Rupp. They ran Tubby Smith out of town for no real reason, and brought in a snail-trail-leaver like John Calipari. The person who roots for Kentucky basketball also likely roots for the New York Yankees, the bad guys from the “Karate Kid,” and Moammar Khadafy.

North Carolina:

Once again, I will quote the good people at Deadspin since I can’t improve on the accuracy of their assesment.

No school has benefited more from having an archrival who happens to be even more haughty and douchetastic. I’m onto you, Tarheels. You think just because you hate Duke that you can sneak by without anyone hating your fucking guts. But you are WRONG. But the truth is that, if Duke didn’t exist, YOU would be Duke. You’d be the most hated program in the country, what with your gross sense of entitlement and Dickie V lapping up Roy Williams’ seminal fluid like it’s cereal milk. You people owe Duke a steak dinner for covering up so much of what makes you despicable.

FACT: Every three seconds, a person in the North Carolina wilderness is being raped. I drove through the state once, and you see the forests on the side of the road and you just know, twenty feet in, someone has a penis inside them that they don’t want inside them. North Carolina is also the only state where it’s legal to rape someone and fish at the same time.


At once, I agree with the above statement about North Carolina and yet need to infuse it with my own hatred of Duke.  Oh, Duke, how do I hate thee; let me count the ways. Here’s two good ones.

  • Mike Krzyzewski himself. I get that he is a disciple of Bobby Knight, but there is a major difference. It is one thing to be an asshole; it is an entirely other thing to spend thirty years hiding you are an asshole.
  • Duke pretends it is a great place to send your sheltered, privileged kids all while it is located in an exceptionally dangerous neighborhood.

San Diego State:

San Diego is a wonderful town, but there are two things about it you cant trust: mid-westerners who move to southern California thinking it is a panacea, and any of its sports teams. The common problem is the beach…there is no such thing as a town that has both a fierce sporting tradition and a desirable beach. The only exceptions are the Miami Dolphins of the early 70′s and the Los Angeles Lakers of forever, both of whom are/were supported largely by transplants from other locales who are old enough to where beaches just present a source of irritating sand in various artificial joints and/or ostomy ports.

As far as the midwesterners who make the “fantasy” move, I have far too many examples in my personal life from which to make examples, but all of them sound pretty much the same. The problem is that almost all of them will bitch if they think I’m talking about them, when in reality I don’t give a frog’s watertight ass about them, other than their stories are at the same time predictable and hilarious. These are almost like those “novels” you read as a kid that allowed you to pick your own ending, the trouble the story is fucked up to begin with. For example:

  • Boy meets girl in (insert midwestern state here)
  • Boy and girl decide for what ever reason to move to SoCal
  • The plan works for one and not the other
  • If the plan works for the boy, skip to page 32
  • If the plan works for the girl, skip to page 48

PAGE 32:

Boy somehow becomes successful and realizes he has an opportunity to trade up from midwestern girlfriend. He does so, and midwestern girlfriend goes back to (insert midwestern state here), gets some job that pays by the hour and eats her way into a subscription from the Lane Bryant catalog.

PAGE 48:

Girl falls into a pattern that starts with “look at how cool I am because I live in California” and ends with “I will out spend anybody to maintain my ‘look at how cool I am’ mindset.” Despite what she earns, she outspends it several-fold, until the boyfriend says ‘no mas’ and pulls the rip-cord. He heads back to (insert midwestern state here), while she now invests in a string of “relationships” all of which are designed to continue the life-style choices she has made.


None of these douche-hammers give a shit about sports, which is why San Diego gets no fans for anything.

Now That Your Hoops Bracket Is Busted, Try Some College Hockey Instead

As a fan of college hockey, I realize that I am a lover of a sport that has exactly nine other fans. Every year at this time, I try to expand that number into double-digits by allowing all of you college basketball fans a chance to double-dip on brackets.

That’s right…the NCAA Men’s Hockey tournament field has been announced, and thanks to the good people at, there is now a clickable on-line bracket that will allow you to double your tournament misery (registration required – It’s free, but approval may take up to 24 hours). You can also expect a high pro-North Dakota Fighting Sioux bias; the name of the website ought to be a solid clue…

The Official Dubsism Bracket

“But Dubsism,” you say, “I don’t know anything about college hockey.” Suck it up and fill out a bracket, Muffin. Know that girl in your office who will win your basketball pool?  She’s going to win based on a strategy of picking teams based on what color their uniforms are or because they have a cute mascot. Meanwhile, you as “Mr I-Watch-College-Basketball-And-I-Have-Pittsburgh-All-The-Way” is using his bracket as slightly uncomfortable toilet paper.

In a nutshell, here are the basics of college hockey.

  • As a North Dakota guy, I am completely and unabashedly biased.
  • That doesn’t change the fact that North Dakota is the best team in the best conference, the Western College Hockey Association. Out of the sixteen teams in this field, four are from the WCHA (North Dakota, Colorado College, Denver, and Minnesota-Duluth), and a fifth (Nebraska-Omaha) will be joining the WCHA next season.
  • The WCHA can be best explained by comparisons to characters from the Simpsons (the two new members for next season are explained here).
  • North Dakota’s style of play is likely very reminiscent of the movie “Slap Shot“…the evidence just piles up, again, and again, and again, and again.

Even if you decide you don’t have the pucks to fill out a bracket, at least find this upcoming tournament on your cable package this weekend and enjoy some of the best sporting action and/or sheer brutality you’ve likely never heard of.

The Dubsism March Movie Spectacular – The Sweet Sixteen

While all the #1 and #2 seeds are still standing, this tournament has not been friendly to favorites. There’s only one each left of the #3 and #4 seeds. There are three #5 seeds still standing. There’s a Sweet Sixteen match between a #5 and a #10.  There’s even a #13 out there wearing a George Mason “Cinderella” costume.

With that, here are the Sweet Sixteen match-ups…Which will be the first #1 to fall? You make the call; voting will be open until next Monday at midnight.

West Region:

Midwest Region:

South Region:

East Region:

Famous Sports Rivalries In Which I Hate Both Sides

The sporting world is full of rivalries which engender so much passion there are clear battle lines drawn between the camps. But what happens to those of us who may feel animus toward both sides? Here’s a list of several such examples that make the collective colon here at Dubsism slam shut like a steel bear trap.

12 ) Chicago Cubs vs. Chicago White Sox

It is almost impossible to find two teams that exemplify their shit-hole of a city more. Where better to put the two retarded little brothers of baseball who while steeped in history have accounted for one championship in 90 years than in one of the largest cities in the world that matters the least to anybody?

11) LeBron James vs. the City of Cleveland

Sometimes, you really have to wonder if we have completely succeeded in this country in growing a generation of complete morons we’ve put on pedestals. Nobody in the world would have blamed LeBron James for leaving Cleveland; nobody wants to be in Cleveland.  It’s little more than a “Mini-Me” to Chicago; a rust-belt, blue-collar city that nobody wants to be in; Cleveland’s population has been dropping steadily for 80 years. All he had to do was not be a douche-bag about it.  It really leaves you in a situation where you can’t figure out who is dumber, LeBron for screwing up a move millions of Clevelanders have made themselves or those same Clevelanders for managing collectively to sound like a bitter ex-wife.

10) Montreal Canadiens vs. Toronto Maple Leafs

Hate is actually too strong a term for this. The problem is the “Rhett Butler” approach is too weak, but it is closer to accurate.  Let’s face it;  I don’t really give a damn. I spent big chunks of my childhood in Southern California, which isn’t exactly where you develop strong feelings about Canadian hockey teams, and even though I loved the old-school Los Angeles Kings (seriously, we are talking about the pre-Gretzky Kings with the purple and gold uniforms that clothed an NHL retirement home; the Kings of my childhood featured such past-their-prime legends like Butch Goring and Marcel Dionne), you couldn’t watch the 12-team NHL of the 1970′s without knowing these two teams hated each other.  All I cared about in those days is that both of these teams arrived at the L.A. Forum with a boatload of Canadians who weren’t past their prime and put as ass-whipping on the Kings.  Even to this day, all I can say is “screw both of them; Canada sucks.”

9) Manchester United vs. Manchester City

For those of you not familiar with the English Premier League, picture this rivalry with the Red Devils of Manchester United as the New York Yankees with Manchester City as the old Brooklyn Dodgers. You perhaps didn’t really like the Dodgers, but they made a perfect underdog foil to those goddamn Yankees. But then the Dodgers went Hollywood, started winning and blew their lovability in the process, much like the Los Angeles Dodgers. 15 years ago, Man City was lovable in their feebleness, but then new ownership pumped that team full of money, and now they are every bit as douche-tastic as their cross-town rivals.

8 ) Dallas Cowboys vs. Washington Redskins

As a Philadelphia Eagle fan, this one is really a no-brainer. There’s an old saying that culture in an organization comes from the top down, and Jerry Jones and Daniel Snyder are a marvelous reflection of that. While we here at Dubsism have postulated that Al Davis makes the Oakland Raiders the “North Korea of the NFL,” Jones and Snyder are both in line to ascend to the NFL’s “Crazy Old Man Owner” throne. Thankfully, their leadership (or lack thereof) has made these two franchises combine for a grand total of three playoff wins in the past 15 years.

7) Oklahoma Sooners vs. Texas Longhorns

Our Proposed Logo for the "Red River Rivalry"

The way these two preen over that silly Saturday in October…well, it really is sad to think either of these two believe anybody gives a shit about them or their “make-believe” rivalry.  It’s really sad that a couple of goofy-ass schools like Nebraska and Colorado are the ones who figured out the Big 12 is a repository for football nobody cares about.

6) Green Bay Packers vs. Minnesota Vikings vs. Chicago Bears

This is much like the “love triangle” situation outline in the 1980 J. Geils’ Band hit “Love Stinks.” The Vikings think the Packers are their main rival, The Packers think the Bears are their main rival, and neither the Packers or the Bears even know who the Vikings are.

5) Arsenal vs. Chelsea

More from the English Premier League, so I will make another baseball reference…Earlier I compared Manchester United to the Yankees. Continuing on this theme, Arsenal would be the Red Sox and Chelsea would be the Mets, only if the Mets didn’t suck. They are two of the biggest clubs in the league, and they can buy pretty much any player they want. Whenever these two get together, it is an exercise in dysfunction that somehow manages to be successful, like a photo negative of the Dallas Cowboys.

4) Auburn vs. Alabama

When these two compete in the annual “Iron Bowl,” they are battling for the bragging right for the entire state of Alabama. This is like two bums fighting over the least piss-stained raincoat at Goodwill. Do you know what the best thing that ever came out of the state of Alabama was? An empty bus.  Alabama is just a collection of bimbos whose boyfriends still think Bear Bryant is alive, and Auburn thinks it is a real university.

3) Duke vs. North Carolina

What can we say about Duke that we haven’t said before? No matter their record, no matter their talent, no matter anything, Duke sucks.  As much as we have beat on Mike Krzyzewski for being a pompous ass-hat, North Carolina’s Roy Williams is in the same league, and not just figuratively. My favorite was last spring when Williams compared having a losing ACC record to the earthquake in Haiti.

“Our massage therapist told me, ‘You know, coach, what happened in Haiti is a catastrophe. What you’re having is a disappointment,’ ” said Williams. “I told her that depends on what chair you’re sitting in. It does feel like a catastrophe to me, because it is my life.”

I’m not sure what the state of North Carolina did to deserve such a pair of pure, uncut assholes, but better them than the rest of us.

2) Boston Red Sox vs. New York Yankees

The Yankees – Red Sox rivalry is one of the oldest, most famous and fiercest rivalries in North American professional sports.  For over 100 years, Major League Baseball’s Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees of the American League have been intense rivals.  For nearly as long, fans of both teams have thoroughly annoyed the living shit out of the rest of us.

The rivalry is sometimes so polarizing that it is often a heated subject, like religion or politics, in the Northeastern United States.  In fact, since ESPN is also based in the Northeastern US, they believe the Yankees and the Red Sox are the only two teams in Major League Baseball, judging by their broadcast schedule.

1) Michigan Wolverines vs. Ohio State Buckeyes

College football gives us the twelve greatest Saturdays of the year, and it also give us the two greatest evils in sports. Ohio State and Michigan both represent all that is wrong with college football, and every evil that it contains.  Recent events have shown that Jim Tressel, a.k.a. Cheatypants McSweatervest is a disingenuous, lying prick, and the Michigan fan base just hasn’t come to terms with the fact they are not an elite program anymore. I can only hope and pray that the NCAA grows the balls to make an example out of Ohio State, but they likely won’t, and I hope it takes Michigan at least three more head coaches before they figure out that “elite” programs don’t get man-handled by Purdue.

The Dubsism March Sports Movie Spectacular – The Second Round Starts Now!

The First Round of the Dubsism March Sports Movie Spectacular offered some interesting battles, and the Second Round promises more of the same. Before we get into how the brackets look in the next round, let’s take a quick peek at what the opening round taught us.

It’s Good To Be King – Much like (as of this writing) in the real NCAA Tournament,  a #1 has not lost to a #16.

But We Are Different As Well – Unlike (as of this writing) in the real NCAA Tournament, two regions in the Dubsism bracket went according to form, meaning the higher seed won.

Tiger Blood is Winning – Both movies featuring Charlie Sheen advanced into the second round, and both of them look to be tough “outs” in their next match-ups.

With that, here are the results and the second round votes:

West Region:

Midwest Region:

South Region:

East Region:

Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: The Los Angeles Dodgers Are In Denial

Look at this. Just when you thought the whole “throwback” thing couldn’t get any worse, the Dodgers once again show they can take any problem and make it worse.  Seriously, look at these things. It’s almost as if Andre Ethier, Clayton Kershaw and Matt Kemp are auditioning for the Village People’s new baseball character. Moreover, why is Kershaw wearing an “LA” cap and a “Brooklyn” jersey. No wonder the McCourts are in the middle of the ugliest divorce in the history of California.

This is just another example of what  a mess this franchise is, and worse yet, it’s because it’s “fans” voted for this. Nearly 50,000 votes were cast in favor of a 1940′s satin uniform as the winning throwback jersey for six mid-week day games in 2011.  The original uniform worn in the 1940s was made of a highly reflective satin fabric to make it more visible under the lights for night games. The Dodgers say the throwback jersey, which is a light blue color with “Brooklyn” across the chest, will have a similar feel.

Read that again. The originals were made of a highly reflective fabric for night games, yet the Dodgers intend to wear them during day games under the blazing Southern California sun. Better yet, the jerseys will be available for purchase by fans at Dodger Stadium on April 21, when the Dodgers will wear them for the first time. against the Atlanta Braves.  To avoid having your retinas burned out of your skull, we advise wearing a welding mask to Dodger Stadium for the following games:


  • May 4, vs. Chicago Cubs
  • June 15, vs. Cincinatti Reds
  • June 22, vs. Detroit Tigers
  • Aug. 10, vs. Philadelphia Phillies
  • Aug. 31 vs. San Diego Padres

In honor of the throwback uniforms, those games will also feature half-price food and drink, including alcoholic beverages, for the first time at Dodger Stadium.  Great…Just what the Pavillion needs -  more obnoxious drunks.  For the real gluttons for punishment, a special half-price six-game ticket plan is available for fans who want to attend each of the games. I can’t wait to see how this plays out…the Pavillion full of blinded, low-rent drunks on a hot afternoon in Los Angeles.

Yeah, that’s not a recipe for disaster at all, but that’s why they are the Dodgers. At least they aren’t handing out baseballs this time.


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