Editor’s Note: Thanks to the Movie The King’s Speech, George VI came back into the view of the American populace. If it weren’t for that movie, most Yanks had long since forgotten George VI’s role as a wartime leader and the fact he ruled sovereign over a quarter of the world.
Much as he did through the Second World War, His Majesty George the Sixth, King of Great Britain, Ireland and the British Dominions beyond the Seas, Defender of the Faith, and Last Emperor of India endeavors to lead us through the darkness of the impending NFL Lockout.
In this grave hour, perhaps the most fateful in history, I send to every household of my peoples, both at home and overseas, this message, spoken with the same depth of feeling for each one of you as if I were able to cross your threshold and speak to you myself.
For the second time in the lives of most of us, we face a labor stoppage in the National Football League.
Over and over again, we have tried to find a peaceful way out of the differences between ourselves and those led by Herr Goodell, those who are now our enemies; but it has been in vain. We have been forced into a conflict, for which we are called, with our allies; the non-confiscatory owners and the players’ union, to meet the challenge of a principle which if it were to prevail, would be fatal to any civilized league in the world.
It is a principle which permits a league in the selfish pursuit of power to disregard its treaties and its solemn pledges, to disregard the health and safety of its players, and to disregard the fair economic cornerstones upon which this realm was founded. These are canons in whose defense many before us have given the ultimate sacrifice, and in whose defense many more shall. So that those sacrifices not be made in vain, and so that those in posterity not suffer the oppression Herr Goodell and his minions would visit upon all of us, we must not and will not stand for any principle which sanctions the use of force or threat of force, be it economic or otherwise, against the sovereignty and independence of other leagues.
Such a principle, stripped of all disguise, is surely the mere primitive doctrine that might is right, and if this principle were established through the world of athletics, the freedom of our own league and of the whole of professional sports would be in danger. But far more than this, the athletes and thus the peoples of the world would be kept in a bondage of fear, and all hopes of settled peace and of security, of justice and liberty, among players and owners would be ended.
This is the ultimate issue which confronts us. For the sake of all that we ourselves hold dear, and of the world order and peace, it is unthinkable that we should refuse to meet the challenge. It is to this high purpose that I now call my people at home and my peoples across the seas, even those of you who do not know American football who will make our cause their own. I ask them to stand calm and firm and united in this time of trial. I ask them to stand firm and united with the American footballers even should they not understand their ways; for failing to stand now with the Americans surely means standing soon with our own footballers on the pitches of our realm and sovereign Britannia.
The task will be hard. There may be dark days ahead, and war can no longer be confined to the negotiating table, but we can only do the right as we see the right, and reverently commit our cause to the purity of sport and to God. If one and all we keep resolutely faithful to those cornerstones and to the Almighty, if we one and all remain ready for whatever service or sacrifice this struggle may demand, then with God’s help we shall prevail.
May He bless and keep us all.
- King George VI
I’m sorry, Indiana. I killed your NBA franchise. Honestly, I didn’t mean to do it; I’m just a jinx for an NBA team if I happen to live in the market. Let’s look at the three applicable cities.
It’s really hard to say this about the greater Los Angeles area, because a) the jinx isn’t powerful enough to destroy two franchises and b) the Clippers arrived in SoCal pre-destroyed; jinxing the Clippers is like shooting out all your light bulbs to make the sun go down.
Then there’s Minnesota. The Timberwolves are almost Clipper-esque in their futility, but they had a run of being a play-off contender that I also destroyed. In the Kevin Garnett/Stephon Marbury/Tom Gugliotta era, the Timberwolves were a perennial first-round playoff loser; later they made it to the conference final before losing to the Lakers. We haven’t found out how yet, but I know I’m somehow responsible for the Joe Smith signing that cost the Wolvies their first-round picks for three seasons and got general manager Kevin McHale suspended for a year. Then there was the whole Latrell Sprewell fiasco. Then there was the ultimate give-up move; the “Garnett for Al Jefferson and a couple cases of urinal cakes” trade. It was all on me for living in Minnesota.
So, then I move Indiana and yesterday the Indiana Pacers fired coach Jim O’Brien. It isn’t like we saw this coming; about a week ago there were rumblings that changes were coming at Conseco Fieldhouse. Rumors were in the air that O’Brien and general manager David Morway would be replaced at the end of the season; even Indiana basketball legend Larry Bird ‘s future as Pacers’ President is rumored to be uncertain as well. However, the end of the season came sooner for O’Brien; the Indianapolis Star reports that Pacers’ assistant Frank Vogel is “expected to coach the team for the remainder of the season.”
The saddest part of all is that I’ve discovered a pattern to all of this; if you start to notice these things happening in your city, I may have moved there.
1) A Noticeable Downturn in On-Court Personnel or Performance
In Minnesota, the problem was obvious. Anyone can see the warning signs when your roster goes from the likes of Kevin Garnett and Stephon Marbury to that of Michael Doleac and Darko Milicic. Its insane to expect top performance from lesser talent. Kevin Love may spell a new beginning, but there’s no coincidence that his emergence came after my exit from the 612.
The problem with Indiana isn’t talent; the Pacers got off to a 9-7 start and have notched victories over the Heat, Lakers, and Celtics; they have enough talent on the roster to be a low-level playoff team. But forward Danny Granger has seen his numbers regress from last year, center Roy Hibbert started strong but then faded, point guard Darren Collison has struggled with his efficiency, and none of the other “role players” have developed. This leaves the Pacers at 17-37 on the season, good for 10th in the Eastern Conference.
2) A Local Hoops Legend Turned ex-Celtic Turned Front Office Type
At roughly the same time in the late 70’s, legends were being born on the hardcourts of the Iron Range of Minnesota and in French Lick, Kentuckiana. Kevin McHale and Larry Bird converge on Boston from those divergent backgrounds to form the Celtics’ dynasty of the 80’s, after which they return to their home states to help incapacitate their hometown NBA franchises. McHale went from local hoop hero to zero during his tenure at the head Timberwolf; he was not-so-lovingly referred to as “McFail.” Meanwhile, Bird put success on the wing out of Indiana.
So, if your hometown boasts a Boston Celtic of the 80’s, and he comes home to run your team, you might want to make sure your local phone book doesn’t also have a listing for Dubsism.
3) Getting Followed by a Coach From the Previous City
There’s an old saying in basketball about “following your shot.” While this one hasn’t happened yet, all signs point to it being a solid reality. What the hell am I blathering about, you ask? It’s rather simple. I leave California for Minnesota, and by the time I leave, ex-Laker Kurt Rambis follows me as coach of the Timberwolves. With Jim O’Brien’s departure from Indiana, rumors are circulating the leading candidate to be his replacement is current Utah Jazz assistant coach and former Minnesota Timberwolf Tyrone Corbin. If that happens, the Pacers are officially doomed.
Consider yourselves warned, NBA fans. If you would like to know where to send the checks to keep me from moving to your city, just email us at email@example.com.
According to sources inside the Cincinnati Reds, veteran outfielder Jim Edmonds intends to retire.
Reds general manager Walt] Jocketty hasn’t talked to Jim Edmonds. “Jay (Bruce) talked him the other day,” Jocketty said. “He’s probably going to retire.”
Edmonds isn’t a Hall of Famer, but if there was a Hall of Pretty Fuckin’ Good, he’d be a lock. He’ll get enough Hall of Fame votes to stay on the ballot for a while, but at the end of the day, he just doesn’t have the numbers. But consider that for five seasons between ages 30 and 34, Edmonds hit .298, 181 home runs, and had a 1.003 OPS. It is a bit odd that he had such good years late in his career, but he still hit 40 homers twice, and hit at least 25 10 times. In his prime, he was one of the best center fielders in the game.
Jim Edmonds, we hardly knew ye…
Roger Goodell is the Commissioner of the NFL, which means at the end of the day Roger Goodell represents the class of guys who run this league, and his interests are their interests. Don’t ever forget that.
The reason I say that is I’m listening to Colin Cowherd tell me yesterday on his radio show about a great guy Goodell is. As a “guy,” he very well may be; I’ve never met the man. He may very well be a fan who makes other fans comfortable in his presence. According to Cowherd, Goodell took 15 minutes out of his schedule to talk to some blogger who sent him an email outlining his frustrations over the impending lockout. According to Cowherd, Goodell says he will work for a dollar per year if there’s a lockout. Cowherd thinks Goodell is a guy who understand public relations. I think Goodell is a guy who knows he needs to do some good public relations.
In all honesty, Goodell has two problems. His autocratic, quasi-Stalinist handling of the ” we have to reduce the violence in football” issue has given him the appearance of being a closest fascist hiding under “the moral high road.” Like it or not, this approach has strained relations with the players at a time when those relations matter the most. It has also illustrated the hypocrisy of the league when it says it puts the safety of the players first and foremost. But those are issues with the players; the fans have a different view of the upcoming labor issues.
Much of this goes quietly under the bridge because most fans don’t worry about the possibility that there won’t be a 2011 NFL season. Most fans don’t want to get into the complexities of a collective bargaining agreement; they just want to watch, and talk about football. Most fans assume the players and owners will eventually make a deal, and they assume the players will just take less money. In effect, most fans will side with the owners largely because they only see the financial side for the players; NFL fans scrutinize players on a daily basis. Being a fan means knowing all the foibles of players, and that includes how much money they make.
However, no one really pays attention to the finances of the owners, because they aren’t in your daily sports section. This is why the fans’ tendency is to blame the players. They think the players should just take less money; which is understandable because it’s easy to imagine becoming a millionaire. Nobody bothers imagining life as a billionaire. Even if fans are familiar with owners, they might know their own teams’ but not the others. Most assuredly, they know more about players’ salaries than owners’ profits.
So let me ask a “million dollar” question: If the fans tendency is to see the owner’s perspective, then why does Goodell even need to bother with public relations?
The answer: Because this is a media campaign designed to be able to place blame on the other side when this thing explodes.
Goodell is smart enough to know which side his bread is buttered on, but he’s also smart enough to know there is a time to look like the guy willing to come to the middle to unite both sides. He knows that if we end up with a lockout, there is going to be a lot of mud-slinging coming from both sides. The players are going to expose Goodell’s hypocrisy on behalf of the owners with his claims of being interested in player health and safety while threatening to yank health coverage for players as part of the new collective bargaining agreement. The players are going to play on the impressions that Goodell is an autocratic tyrant based on his seemingly arbitrary nature in imposing fines. The players are going to remind fans that it is the owners who make fans pay exorbitant fees for personal seat licenses, charge them $10 for a beer, threaten to move the team to get them to pay for a new stadium, and black out their games when the tickets don’t sell.
In other words, Goodell knows winning in the court of public opinion means winning over the public. Make no mistake, there is going to be a lockout; unless there is a tectonic shift is the current positions. But at the same time, he is also paid to represent the NFL, which is composed of the owners. Goodell also knows it is the owners who are choosing to end the agreement they previously had with players and jeopardizing the next season, and he knows that will subject them to all sorts of public scrutiny.
What does this have to do with Goodell’s killing this league? Because while he is looking out for what is good for Roger Goodell, he isn’t paying attention to the major issues that are factionalizing the owners; issues which will hurt this league and the people who depend on it is keeping unity amongst the owners. The dirty little secret is the leagues owners’ are really split into the Haves and the Have-Nots. There are a ton of ways to determine which team is which camp, but it is safe to say they all revolve around money. It is that division that causes a schism on the view of the major issues. By all accounts, here are the three issues commonly believed to be the major points in the negotiations.
- Rookie Salary Cap/Structure
- 18 Game Schedule
- 18 Percent Roll Back on Revenue Dedicated to Player Salaries
Notice two of those items are about paying players less, and the third is about making more money for the league. That means there is a fundamental imbalance in the compromise game; this situation as it exists now is a lose/lose for the players as it stands now. Handling that imbalance is the key to understanding why there is such a divide among owners, and why Goodell’s efforts are doing more harm than good.
The heart of the players’ position is that team owners should open up their financial books and show how much money they’re really making. The NFL is a $9 billion/year business and owners are crying poverty, while values of franchises are allegedly rising, more advertisements and tickets are being sold, no team is supposedly losing money, while the salary cap has largely stagnated. The problem is compounded in the fact it is another issues which the players and fans should share. Fans and taxpayers should be saying to owners, “If you want to build a new stadium using public money, open up your books and show the need for public financing.”
Throwing the books open causes a major “turd in the punchbowl” situation. One of the owners’ primary claims for why they need the 18% roll back on revenue dedicated to player salaries is because the cost of running stadiums has become more expensive. This is really like the kid who kills his parents, then pleas for mercy because he’s an orphan. The owners were the ones who pushed for these lavish new stadiums in the first place, using the threat of relocation to garner large amounts of municipal funding. 28 out of 32 NFL stadiums received some sort of public financing.
If a new collective bargaining agreement is not reached between NFL owners and players by March 3rd, there will be a lockout. The problem is nobody is talking about why so many owners are opposed to such public disclosure; worse yet, nobody is talking about how this issue is causing the split in the owners’ ranks. The NFL Players Association and the richest top third of the teams in the league do not have such an opposition to such disclosure; only the owners who are looking to hide their false claims of poverty have such an opposition.
The bottom third of league owners want more money in terms of revenue sharing. They’ve extorted what they can from municipal governments, and now they are turning their upward-turned palm to their richer brethren. Sadly, the NFL model has become an example of socialist thinking, where somehow we have decided that equal access to revenues and propping up the weakest owners at the expense of the strong ones somehow doesn’t become a cancer on the league. At present, the successful owners in the league are forced to prop up the failures, in order to give them the illusion of success. This means many NFL teams are not successful financially without revenue sharing.
This is exactly why the aforementioned three bullet points can’t really be solved without addressing the issue of revenue sharing. They are inextricably linked to money, and the root challenge of money issues is who gets it. Revenue sharing must be addressed otherwise all these issues will never be solved as revenue growth limits the growth of the league; such limited growth means there will be eternal quibbling over an artificially small revenue pie. Everything we are discussing now in terms of bullet points in a collective bargaining agreement all revolve around generating revenue and/or keeping revenue in the owners’ pockets.
The proponents of revenue sharing believe that the forced parity it introduced into the league is positive. Rather, it has created a sub-league of financial parasites who can contribute nothing to the league yet be financially viable. This means since there is no true ownership “failure” in the NFL; there is instead a world of artificial profits and rising team valuations no matter the ineptitude of each individual lucky enough to own a team. In other words such public financial disclosure that the players want would show that the owners who are claiming poverty are doing so falsely. Once the illusion of success is gone, then the NFL will find itself in the middle of a cash grab the likes of which have yet to be seen in pro sports. The players will stand firm against any salary rollbacks, owners will be out to protect their individual investments, and the league will ultimately suffer.
Consider that this dynamic is already in place among the “have-not” owners in this league. They are already out to protect the cash cows they have, and they are in such a number to wield a great deal of influence. Right now, the bottom third of the owners want a lot more money from the top third or they will not sign on to any collective bargaining agreement. This means the fate of the 2011 NFL season hinges on a handful of owners in the middle who must decide if they are going to vote with high-revenue teams like the Dallas Cowboys, Washington Redskins and New England Patriots, or side with low-revenue teams such as the Jacksonville Jaguars, Minnesota Vikings, and Oakland Raiders. Since a new collective bargaining agreement would need the approval of 24 of the 32 owners, this means the fate of the league could come down to a few votes of some mid-level franchises like the Pittsburgh Steelers, Cleveland Browns, Seattle Seahawks, Baltimore Ravens, and Indianapolis Colts.
Given that, my bet is on a lockout.
Given all that, if Roger Goodell really wants to pull of a public relations move, then there is one thing he must do; end revenue sharing. Conventional wisdom may say not to mess with success, but that fails to view the NFL’s amazing success against what it would be without the false prosperity of propping up the weak at the expense of the successful. As I’ve said, the belief is that revenue sharing has made the league what it is today thanks to revenue equality driving team parity. The problem is its true, but in a negative sense. According to Forbes Magazine, the fact is that of the 32 NFL franchises, 20 decreased in net value over the past year, and 7 showed no growth. That means only 5 franchises appreciated in value. To a guy that has been in business and has been a management consultant for over fifteen years, that’s not a sign of overwhelming success; rather its a dire warning.
If Goodell wants to save this league from a future cataclysm, he must act soon. If the league were to abolish revenue sharing, the NFL would at once rid itself of its financial parasites and attract a new class of wealthier, ambitious owners. Team valuations would appreciate in an environment where success is no longer “taxed.” Think how many bad owners you would lose overnight. Mismanaged money pits like the Lions, Cardinals, Rams, Bengals, and Vikings would be up for sale in short order, because most of those owner couldn’t survive if the financial success of their teams becomes a function of their individual abilities? If revenues earned by the league were instead apportioned based on individual team success on the field, television ratings, and apparel sales, it’s not a reach to suggest that the economics of owning a team would suddenly become more of a challenge. If so, failed owners would be forced to sell to entrepreneurs actually interested in achieving success with regularity. These new entrepreneurs would drive more out of existing streams, and new blood usually finds new revenue streams. This would allow for real growth in the NFL, and real growth is the one thing that would solve all the aforementioned bullet points.
So, don’t give me any more public relations moves, Commissioner Goodell. Show me some real leadership and do what is good for the future of the league.
If there is one thing that is true about Dubsism, it is that we have a fascination with all things Nutt. Now, thanks to the good people at Friends of the Program we have yet another example of how the call of the thespian runs in the Nutt bloodline.
When you are trying to put asses in seats at the Oxford Film Festival, you need star power…and when that star power is shirtless, showing a little lower man cleavage, and bleeding, well that’s all the better. Luckily for first time film maker Billy Chase Goforth, embarking on making the best 70′s style southern drive thru movie about bumbling bail enforcement agents you’ll see all year, the spawn of Houston Nutt was there to fit the billing. The Nutt family has a long tradition of acting excellence, so the casting, I’m sure, was a no brainer.
The call of the big screen in the Nutt clan shouldn’t come as a surprise; who could forget Houston Nutt as MacMurphy in “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest” or his chilling performance role as Colonel Kurtz in the all-SEC remake of Apocalypse Now?
After spending three hours of last Sunday watching what had to be the worst NFC Championship I can remember, I have had very few sports conversations that didn’t touch on the whole Jay Cutler saga. Just today, I’ve had at least three people parroting the line being heard all over sports media; the line about “it isn’t fair to question a player’s toughness.”
To all the players, coaches, commentators and sports fans who have said that, I have two words: Fuck you.
First of all, as a fan, I am the one who through his purchase of tickets, cable TV packages, various paraphanalia, and through his general interest even make Jay Cutler and any other professional athletes’ existence possible. So don’t tell me I cannot voice an opinion. Feel free to dispute my position via a reasoned argument, but don’t you dare go all Stalin on me by saying I have no right to express my thoughts.
Secondly, flash the clock back to November. Remember how everything then was about celebrating toughness? That was when the media sh0ved Brett Favre and that utterly meaningless consecutive games played streak down my throat. If toughness is a quality to be admired in one, its presence can be questioned in another. To that end, if there was ever a guy for whom these sorts of questions are fair, it’s Jay Cutler.
Face it, Cutler has built a reputation for himself that begs for this sort of skepticism.
It’s well-known that Cutler doesn’t handle the tough situations well. He’s at his worst as a quarterback in the red zone and in 3rd down situations. He rolled up in a pouty ball and demanded a trade when he didn’t get enough affirmation from the Broncos. Even Brian Urlacher, the guy who offered the most empassioned defense of Cutler after Sunday’s performance has been rumored to have called him a “pussy” on prior occasions.
Sunday before the “injury” spoke to his “big game” proclivities; afterward this could easily be what defines his career. But they both speak to his “toughness,” and you can’t tell me otherwise.
So what if the Jets lost last night. So what if some people are saying once again the Rex Ryan is all talk. We big, sweatervest-wearing, smack-talking guys need to stick together at all costs, and considering what Ryan has done for the Jets, sticking with him is easier than ordering an extra slice of pizza.
Sure, its easy to point at the disaster that was the first half of last night’s AFC Championship. However to do that ignores two important things. It ignores the nearly-successful comeback in the second half, and it ignores what it took to even be in that position. Most importantly, it ignores who made both those thing possible.
Rex Fucking Ryan.
At first, I had a similar reaction to last night’s loss. I had a profanity-filled tirade at such a volume that the cat still hasn’t come out from under the bed. But then I thought about where the Jets have been, and where they are are going, and then I remembered why that is all happening.
Rex Fucking Ryan.
You don’t have to love his style, and you don’t have to love his brash nature. But you have to respect what this guy has done. The Jets are a franchise which for the last two decades has oscillated between mediocre and terrible; achieving double-digit wins only four times in that spa, but suffering double-digit losses at twice that rate. Before Ryan’s arrival, the Jets had only advanced to one AFC Championship in the past two decades; after Ryan they have been in two straight.
If that isn’t enough for you, look at the path they had to follow this season. To get to the Super Bowl, this team would have had to go on the road and beat three of the most elite quarterbacks this game has to offer; Peyton Manning in Indianapolis, Tom Brady in Foxboro, and Ben Roethlisberger in Pittsburgh. Stop and think about it…had they been successful, this accomplishment would be largely similar to the Steelers journey of five years ago when as a 6-seed they had to navigate the top three AFC seeds on their way to a Super Bowl.
So, before anybody starts criticizing Rex Ryan, take a hard look at where the Jets were before Rex Ryan arrived, and look at where they are now. So, this time the Jets couldn’t beat the last three Super Bowl winning AFC quarterbacks. But, to quote another notable big guy, Two Out Of Three Ain’t Bad.
Yes, its true…while Culter’s “injury” is getting all the talk today, another NFL signal-caller has punched out on his team. However, in this case, nobody should blame him. According to ESPN, Carson Palmer says his time with the Cincinnati Bengals is over.
Carson Palmer will ask the Cincinnati Bengals to trade him and will contemplate retirement if he does not get his wish, according to several sources.
Palmer, the No. 1 overall pick by the Bengals in 2003, was unavailable for comment as he and his wife, Shaelynn, were awaiting the birth of their third child. A Bengals spokesman had no comment. The team has Palmer under contract through 2014. Palmer has become the object of fan frustration in the past two years and sources said he has grown frustrated with the team’s inconsistencies. The Bengals finished 4-12 in 2010.
Sources familiar with Palmer’s plan and mindset said he is financially secure for the rest of his life and willing to follow through and retire.
Let’s be honest. This marriage has been over for a while. To me, the addition of Terrell Owens always seemed like a couple that decided having a baby would solve all their problems. In and of itself, that move wasn’t the complete train wreck I thought it would be, but at the end of the day it suffered the same fate of every other “fix-it baby.” It didn’t fix it. There’s an old saying that winning fixes everything, and lately the Bengals haven’t been doing much of either.
Sometimes to understand where you are, you have to look at how you got there. From their inception, the Bengals were happily mediocre until the hit their heyday in the 80’s when thanks to two Super Bowl appearances The Bengals moved to the good side of the NFL Monopoly board. Sure they weren’t Boardwalk, but Marvin Gardens with a hotel still brings a nice bit of change. But then came the 90’s and a string of “savior” draft picks; such colossal busts like Ki-Jana Carter, Dan Wilkinson, Akili Smith, and David Klingler doomed this team. Now, it is clear Marvin Lewis and “Savior” Palmer can’t bring back the Marvin Gardens days.
Since the Bengals have already decided to keep Lewis, it is time for Palmer to take his talents elsewhere; it not like there isn’t some talent left in him. Palmer isn’t far enough past being a Number 1 overall pick of the 2003 draft, and even though he suffered a major knee injury in a first-round playoff game against the Pittsburgh Steelers at the end of the 2005 season, and an elbow injury in 2008 so severe he considered the “Tommy John” surgery, Palmer hasn’t missed a quarterback start in the past two years with Cincinnati. He has thrown for 22,694 yards, 154 touchdowns and 100 interceptions; the Cincinnati Bengals have won two division titles with Palmer, but they are 0-2 in the play-offs.
Palmer is under contract through 2014; Palmer is owed anywhere between $11 and $14 million for each of the remaining years on his current deal. But that shouldn’t be a problem as the Bengals should be able to get plenty in return for Palmer because even though his stock isn’t as high as Boardwalk, he ain’t Baltic Avenue either.
You shouldn’t cheer for the Chicago Bears anyway; we’ve documented that quite well over the past few weeks. However, Bears quarterback Jay Cutler exudes such a rare combination of smarminess and suckitude that no self-respecting fan should support him or the Bears, who also believe they are better than they are. Colin Cowherd made mention of this fact on Friday on his radio show. But this isn’t about how the Bears, should they win, would be the worst Super Bowl team ever. Rather this is about why you should want to see Cutler peeling bits of frozen Soldier Field dirt out of his facemask. After all, the resounding majority of you would not be Facebook friends with him.
1) Even Referees Don’t Like Him
Referees are supposed to be completely impartial, which is how you know that backhand bitch slap was perfectly accidental (wink, nudge…) It’s not like NFL officials have had to listen Cutler whine every time he gets picked off, throws an incompletion, or gets stapled to the turf, which by our count combined happens about 70 times a game.
2) Cutler is a Massive Crybaby
Refer back to Reason #1. Cutler routinely breaks out his crying towel for more than just officials. Just look a the sullen pout he pulls off during a post loss press conference; the one after the game against Washington when he made the Redskins’ DeAngelo Hall the all-time Bears’ leading receiver was my favorite example.
This is the big word Wikipedia uses for when a search term returns multiple topics. Google “Jay Cutler” and a lot of the hits you are going to get refer to the overly-bronzed side of beef shown above. It seems that as well as being a pick-throwing whiner, Jay Cutler is also a former Mr. Olympia who is clearly over-compensating for being the namesake of such a monumental tool.
4) The Kyle Orton Connection
It has been a long-established tenet here at Dubsism that Kyle Orton is the Greatest Athlete in the History of Ever. However, thanks to the trade between the Broncos and the Bears, Orton’s name is forever linked with Cutler’s. As far as quarterback play in concerned, this may be the classic example of a guy who isn’t flashy, but doesn’t make mistakes versus a guy who has that sexy big arm coaches fall in love with, but ultimately will get you killed through his complete cement-headed uncoachability.
5) He Hasn’t Destroyed Lovie Smith’s Career Nearly Fast Enough
I completely can’t figure this one out; it’s like Lovie Smith is Superman in Stupid World, but for some reason Stupid Kryptonite doesn’t kill Stupid Superman. What the hell else does a guy have to do to get fired? If it weren’t for his hatred of Kyle Orton, he’d have a Super Bowl ring by now. If he would have benched that shithead Rex Grossman in favor of Orton in the Super Bowl against the Colts, we wouldn’t be subjected to Tony Dungy’s bible-thumping assholery now. I wonder if he and Mike Shanahan get together and fondle themselves over pictures of “Sexy Rexy?”
The fact this Bears team has reached an NFC Championship team means offensive coordinator Mike Martz has been “legitimitized” for at least one more NFL job after the fraud that is the Bears’ offense is exposed and he gets the firing he so richly deserves. To that end, you would have thought trading for the fully-automated, hydraulically-powered interception machine known as Jay Cutler would have been the end of the Smith regime, but even accidental success is a savior.
6) If Wal-Mart Sold a Shitty, Guatemalan-Made Tom Brady…Cutler Would Be It
We all know what buying a knock-off is like. It offers all the promise, yet none of the price. Of course, the packaging hasn’t even made its way to the dumpster yet by the time you’ve discovered you just flushed your cash down the crapper. Who the hell buys Jay Cutler as a “GQ” guy like Tom Brady? Frankly, I can’t decide which screams “alternative lifestyle” more…the overly-coiffed fashion model look or the oiled-up bodybuilder? Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
7) Jay Cutler Really Is the Most Interesting Douche In The World
8 ) His Incredibly Annoying Survivability
Cutler has made a living playing behind offensive lines that look more like the row of turnstiles in a subway station. Yet, he keeps coming back. Let’ s be honest, how he didn’t get yanked during that pick-fest against the Redskins is beyond me.
I mean, Tony Romo at least had the common decency to suffer a season-ending injury, and Lord knows the Giants gave Cutler every chance to do the same. But, no, Cutler couldn’t do the honorable thing; rather he has subjected us all to a season of barely competent quarterback play.
God help us all if the Bears beat the Packers on Sunday, because that would only serve to further the illusion that Jay Cutler and this band of frauds known as the Chicago Bears are a legitimate championship-caliber football team.
Everybody has a NFL Draft “Big Board.” But unlike the ones you get from the “professionals” at ESPN, we here at Dubsism offer a draft board based on the fact we actually have watched college football at some point in our lifetimes. This means we don’t care about how much we love to hear our own bloviation, there isn’t another blog out there taking shots at us yet (so we don’t have that whole “Mel Kiper/Todd McShay thing happening), and we aren’t worried about how much face time our increasingly oddly-shaped pompadour gets.
Rather, we would rather put out rookie draft “shopping list” that we feel is our best effort to help you, the NFL fan who knows almost nothing about college football beyond Cam Newton. We also won’t give you any flowery summaries of these players; there’s eight billion other sites doing that. Our model is you peruse the lists, both overall and by position, and decide which of these guys may help plug the numerous holes your favorite team has. However, we don’t bother with kickers and punters, largely because they are literally a “dime-a-dozen” and if you think a kicker is all that separates your team from a Super Bowl, you likely need a psychiatrist more than a draft board.
After the Super Bowl, we will revisit this list with some advice on what your sorry-ass team needs to do in order to improve itself, and this board will play a large part in that counsel. The one thing I would caution you against is that we here at Dubsism are firm believers in the “Mike Mamula” rule; meaning we don’t put much stock in the witchcraft that are the NFL Combines, so don’t expect this board to change significantly.
The Top Overall “Yes You Do Need Me, You Better Feed Me, Draft Me” 64:
- Nick Fairley, DT, Auburn
- Da’Quan Bowers, DE, Clemson
- Patrick Peterson, CB, LSU
- A.J. Green, WR Georgia
- Prince Amukamara, CB, Nebraska
- Aldon Smith, OLB, Missouri
- Ryan Kerrigan, DE, Purdue
- Gabe Carimi, OT, Wisconsin
- Marcell Dareus, DE, Alabama
- Derek Sherrod, OT, Mississippi State
- Muhammad Wilkerson, DT, Temple
- Von Miller, OLB, Texas A&M
- Stephen Paea, DT, Oregon State
- Rahim Moore, S, UCLA
- Julio Jones, WR, Alabama
- Adrian Clayborn, DE, Iowa
- Nate Solder, OT, Colorado
- Cameron Jordan, DE, California
- Tyron Smith, OT, USC
- Mike Pouncey, C, Florida
- Akeem Ayers, OLB, UCLA
- Robert Quinn, DE, North Carolina
- Jake Locker, QB, Washington
- J.J. Watt, DE, Wisconsin
- Anthony Castonzo, OT, Boston College
- Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama
- Cameron Heyward, DE, Ohio State
- Corey Liuget, DT, Illinois
- Kyle Rudolf, TE, Notre Dame
- Blaine Gabbert, QB, Missouri
- Justin Houston, OLB, Georgia
- Allen Bailey, DE, Miami FL
- Brandon Harris, CB Miami FL
- Ryan Mallett, QB, Arkansas
- Ryan Williams, RB, Virginia Tech
- Drake Nevis, DT, LSU
- Marvin Austin, DT, North Carolina
- Matt Reynolds, OT, BYU
- Jared Crick, DT, Nebraska
- Bruce Carter, OLB, North Carolina
- Ras-I Dowling, CB, Virginia
- Greg Romeus, DE, Pittsburgh
- Rodney Hudson, OG, Florida State
- Quan Sturdivant, MLB, North Carolina
- Jonathan Baldwin, WR, Pittsburgh
- Daniel Thomas, RB, Kansas State
- Jerrell Powe, DT, Mississippi
- Jerrod Johnson, QB, Texas A&M
- Davon House, CB, New Mexico State
- Bilal Powell, RB, Louisville
- Brandon Burton, CB, Utah
- Jeremy Kerley, WR, TCU
- Jimmy Smith, CB, Colorado
- Jordan Todman, RB, Connecticut
- Cam Newton, QB, Auburn
- Tandon Doss, WR, Indiana
- Justin Houston, OLB, Georgia
- D.J. Williams, TE, Arkansas
- Mikel Leshoure, RB, Illinois
- John Clay, RB, Wisconsin
- Andy Dalton, QB, TCU
- Colin Kaerpernick, QB, Nevada
- Lee Ziemba, OT, Auburn
- Stefan Wiesniewski, OG, Penn State
The Top 15 By Position:
- Jake Locker, Washington (23)
- Blaine Gabbert, Missouri (30)
- Ryan Mallett, Arkansas (34)
- Jerrod Johnson, Texas A&M (48)
- Cam Newton, Auburn (55)
- Andy Dalton, TCU (61)
- Colin Kaepernick, Nevada (62)
- Greg McElroy, Alabama
- Tyrod Taylor, Virginia Tech
- Ricky Stanzi, Iowa
- Pat Devlin, Delaware
- Christian Ponder, Florida State
- Nathan Enderle, Idaho
- T.J. Yates, North Carolina
- Jeff Van Camp, Florida Atlantic
- Mark Ingram, Alabama (26)
- Ryan Williams, Virginia Tech (35)
- Daniel Thomas, Kansas State (46)
- Bilal Powell, Louisville (50)
- Jordan Todman, Connecticut (54)
- Mikel Leshoure, Illinois
- John Clay, Wisconsin
- Kendall Hunter, Oklahoma State
- Shane Vereen, California
- Quizz Rodgers, Oregon State
- DeMarco Murray, Oklahoma
- Noel Devine, West Virginia
- Da’Rel Scott, Maryland
- Delone Carter, Syracuse
- Jamie Harper, Clemson
- A.J. Green, Georgia (4)
- Julio Jones, Alabama (15)
- Jonathan Baldwin, Pittsburgh (45)
- Jeremy Kerley, TCU (52)
- Tandon Doss, Indiana (56)
- Dwayne Harris, East Carolina
- Leonard Hankerson, Miami FL
- Jerrel Jernigan, Troy
- DeAndre Brown, Southern Mississippi
- Ronald Johnson, USC
- Randall Cobb, Kentucky
- Titus Young, Boise State
- Torrey Smith, Maryland
- Austin Pettis, Boise State
- Niles Paul, Nebraska
- Kyle Rudolph, Notre Dame (29)
- D.J. Williams, Arkansas (58)
- Luke Stocker, Tennessee
- Andre Smith, Virginia Tech
- Lance Kendricks, Wisconsin
- Virgil Green, Nevada
- Preston Dial, Alabama
- Jordan Cameron, USC
- Charlie Gantt, Michigan State
- Cameron Graham, Louisville
- Richard Gordon, Miami FL
- Jeffery Anderson, UAB
- Allen Reisner, Iowa
- Mike McNeill, Nebraska
- Zach Pianalto, North Carolina
- Gabe Carimi, Wisconsin (8)
- Derek Sherrod, Mississippi State (10)
- Nate Solder, Colorado (17)
- Tyron Smith, USC (19)
- Anthony Castonzo, Boston College (25)
- Matt Reynolds, BYU (38)
- Lee Ziemba, Auburn (63)
- Marcus Cannon, TCU
- DeMarcus Love, Arkansas
- Jason Pinkston, Pittsburgh
- Derek Hall, Stanford
- Marcus Gilbert, Florida
- Willie Smith, East Carolina
- Joseph Barksdale, LSU
- Danny Watkins, Baylor
Interior Offensive Lineman
- Mike Pouncey, Florida (20)
- Rodney Hudson, Florida State (43)
- Stefan Wiesniewski, Penn State (64)
- Jake Kirkpatrick, TCU
- Justin Boren, Ohio State
- Ben Ijalana, Villanova
- John Moffitt, Wisconsin
- Keith Williams, Nebraska
- Kristofer O’Dowd, USC
- Sampson Genus, South Florida
- Brandon Fusco, Slippery Rock
- Clint Boling, Georgia
- Zane Taylor, Utah
- Zach Hurd, Connecticut
- Stephen Schilling, Michigan
- Nick Fairley, Auburn (1)
- Muhammad Wilkerson, Temple (11)
- Stephen Paea, Oregon State (13)
- Corey Liuget, Illinois (28)
- Drake Nevis, LSU (36)
- Marvin Austin, North Carolina (37)
- Jared Crick, Nebraska (39)
- Jarell Powe, Mississippi (47)
- Christian Ballard, Iowa
- Phil Taylor, Baylor
- Jurrell Casey, USC
- Sione Fua, Stanford
- Lawrence Guy, Arizona State
- Sealver Siliga, Utah
- Jarvis Jenkins, Clemson
- Da’Quan Bowers, Clemson (2)
- Ryan Kerrigan, Purdue (7)
- Marcell Dareus, Alabama (9)
- Adrian Clayborn, Iowa (16)
- Cameron Jordan, California (18)
- Robert Quinn, North Carolina (22)
- J.J. Watt, Wisconsin (24)
- Cameron Heyward, Ohio State (32)
- Allen Bailey, Miami FL (32)
- Greg Romeus, Pittsburgh (42)
- Pernell McPhee, Mississippi State
- Sam Acho, Texas
- Jabaal Sheard, Pittsburgh
- Brandon Bair, Oregon
- Ricky Elmore, Arizona
- Aldon Smith, Missouri (6)
- Von Miller, Texas A&M (12)
- Akeem Ayers, UCLA (21)
- Bruce Carter, North Carolina (40)
- Justin Houston, Georgia (57)
- Thomas Keiser, Stanford
- Dontay Moch, Nevada
- Mason Foster, Washington
- Jeremy Beal, Oklahoma
- K.J. Wright, Mississippi State
- Mark Herzlich, Boston College
- Jamari Lattimore, Middle Tennessee State
- Quentin Davie, Northwestern
- Lawrence Wilson, Connecticut
- Chris Carter, Fresno State
- Quan Sturdivant, North Carolina (44)
- Greg Jones, Michigan State
- Martez Wilson, Illinois
- Alex Wujciak, Maryland
- Kelvin Sheppard, LSU
- Nate Irving, North Carolina State
- Josh Bynes, Auburn
- Jonathan Cornell, Mississippi
- Mike Mohamed, California
- Brad Jefferson, Georgia Tech
- Mario Harvey, Marshall
- Ross Homan, Ohio State
- Casey Matthews, Oregon
- Akeem Dent, Georgia
- Derrell Smith, Syracuse
- Patrick Peterson, LSU (3)
- Prince Amukamara, Nebraska (5)
- Brandon Harris, Miami FL (33)
- Ras-I Dowling, Virginia (41)
- Davon House, New Mexico State (49)
- Brandon Burton, Utah (51)
- Jimmy Smith, Colorado
- Aaron Williams, Texas
- Chimdi Chekwa, Ohio State
- Shareece Wright, USC
- Johnny Patrick, Louisville
- Brandon Hogan, West Virginia
- Brandyn Thompson, Boise State
- Curtis Brown, Texas
- Rashad Carmichael, Virginia Tech
- Rahim Moore, UCLA (14)
- Ahmad Black, Florida
- DeAndre McDaniel, Clemson
- Tejay Johnson, TCU
- Quinton Carter, Oklahoma
- Robert Sands, West Virginia
- Nate Williams, Washington
- Jermale Hines, Ohio State
- Tyler Sash, Iowa
- Jaiquawn Jarrett, Temple
- Deunta Williams, North Carolina
- Will Hill, Florida
- David Sims, Iowa State
- Joe Lefeged, Rutgers
- Dejon Gomes, Nebraska