With all the talk out there regarding the BCS vs. a playoff system, one of the things nobody takes into account is the conference system. It’s the conferences that keep the bowl system alive, which means any serious change will mean a change to the current conference configurations. Naturally, I have solved this problem, in a way that only a serious chemical imbalance I can.
The Shark Eating the Gorilla Conference
The apex predator from which other apex predators get apex predator envy. I’m not naïve enough to believe you can right all the wrongs, level the playing field, or (insert whatever other bullshit loser cliché tickles your fancy here). So, there’s going to have to be one uber-conference, one comprised of those colossal athletic departments. You know, the ones where the even the most mundane transactions involve old men and bags of cash flying about, and where conversations about real money can go like this.
Member Schools: Texas, Ohio State, Michigan, Oklahoma, Penn State, Florida State, Florida, Wisconsin, Georgia, Alabama
The God Conference
If God is on their side, then all of the football teams in this conference must smite their enemies with Euell Gibbons-type regularity, right? See, the reason why nobody in this conference is ever any good is Yeshiva has no football team, and Christians are just no good without some Jews on whom to blame everything.
Member Schools: BYU, SMU, TCU, Baylor, Rice, Wake Forest, Boston College, and Notre Dame
The Non-God Acronym Conference
From the previous conference, you would think only the Charlie-Church types can get their letters on. Well, fuggiddaboudit, because not only does this conference have more letters than the post office has ammo, it also has three places known for non-Church type fun: L.A., Louisiana, and Vegas, baby, Vegas.
Member Schools: USC, UCLA, UNLV, UTEP, UAB, LSU, Texas A&M, UL-Lafayette, UL-Monroe, and possibly UL Washington.
The Rosie Ruiz Conference
The usual readers of these rants are not unfamiliar to the obscure reference, and this is one of my favorites. The ultimate poser, Ruiz was busted for faking winning the Boston Marathon in 1980. The teams in this conference are all fakers in their own right, but in two distinct sub-types.
The first type of fakery involves a rose by any other name still being a state school awash in cheap beer and baseball caps. This is done by slapping a good-sounding name on your institution, and voilá, instant fake prestige. Just ask Alabama State Cow College and Tires Plus outlet Auburn. The second involves more traditional on-the-field deception by teams that always seem much better than they really are.
Faux Effete Division
Auburn, Clemson (South Carolina A&M), Rutgers (New Jersey State), and Purdue (West Lafayette Vo-Tech).
Faux Football Division
Oregon, Virginia Tech, Missouri, Texas Tech, Utah, Hawaii
The GPA Conference
Sure, the football isn’t going to be that exciting, but let’s be honest; that calculus ain’t gonna do itself. This is the one conference in which ALL members will still be able to field a full team when the NCAA becomes even more ridiculous with its “student-athlete” pretense.
Member Schools: Stanford, Northwestern, Vanderbilt, Army, Navy, Air Force
The “State” Conference
It would seem this one is pretty obvious…all your “State” teams from a BCS conference coupled with teams from “States” that are not states. But since some in this country seem to have trouble with the whole “state” concept, here it is in the oh-so-popular Red/Blue format.
States That Are Actually States Division
Michigan State, Iowa State, Kansas State, Oklahoma State, Mississippi State, Arizona State, Oregon State, Washington State
States That Are Not Actually States Division
Fresno State, San Jose State, San Diego State, Boise State, Kent State, and Ball State
Imagine holding the schedule for this conference in your very hands. Imagine the kind of fans you’re going to see at that Oklahoma State-Arizona State tilt in Stillwater. You can already smell the Milwaukee’s Best, can’t you?
The Directional Conference
Another obvious rationale, but bonus points to Florida, Michigan, and Tennessee for being blissfully unaware that “Central” and “Middle” are not directions. It’s no accident the first two can’t even figure out the intricacies of a single-party election, and while Tennessee can certainly speak for itself, it’s much funnier to let a barely-articulate Bammer do it.
Member Schools: Southern Mississippi, East Carolina, North Texas, West Virginia*, South Carolina*, Central Florida, South Florida, Northern Illinois, Central Michigan, Western Michigan, Eastern Michigan, Western Kentucky, and Middle Tennessee State.
* – Yeah, I know South Carolina and West Virginia are states, and technically don’t fit the motif, but they aren’t much as far as states go, and frankly, we already have enough Virginia and Carolina for everybody.
The “Who? Where?” Conference
All college football fans wait for that early-spring moment when the schedules are published. Under the existing conference system, all eyes would first look to the conference schedule; all a-twitter with questions such as “Is this the year we don’t have to play Ohio State?”
Then the eyes scan up to the non-conference schedule, and this league is aptly named for the utterance that passes your lips when you see one of these teams on your schedule. And since I can’t really help you with those two questions, the least I can do is tell you when.
Sucks Now Division (Eastern and Central Time Zones)
Sucks Two or More Hours From Now Division (Mountain and Pacific Time Zones)
Utah State, New Mexico State, Colorado State, Nevada, Wyoming
Actually, the real entertainment you might get from one of these teams is to wait for the day one of them makes it to a decent bowl game, and then follow them to the bank when they deposit the check. I suspect it might look something like this.
The Tanya Tucker Conference
Now, you’ve got to be asking yourself “Why the Tanya Tucker Conference?” It’s quite simple, actually. Each one of these teams wears Delta Dawn’s “faded rose of days gone by.” Whether it’s Red Grange, a bowl game over 40 years ago, or the precipitous drop to mediocrity from somewhat recent prestige, each one of these teams is clinging to something that is already over.
Member Schools: Minnesota, Iowa, Illinois, Mississippi, Arkansas, Nebraska, Tennessee, Georgia Tech, California, and Washington
The City Conference
You’ve all seen it…that urban psuedo-bravado that makes lesser men want to check their balls. It can only describe a conference deserving so much respeck that it doesn’t need any of you cracker-ass “State” mofos…
But there’s a code in the City Conference; it has three simple tenets:
1) Bros before hos
2) Never dime out anybody
3) Don’t win
But we do want people to pay attention to this conference; that’s why one of them has South Beach.
Member Schools: Houston, Tulsa, Louisville, Pittsburgh, Toledo, Akron, Memphis, Syracuse, Buffalo, Cincinnati, Bowling Green, and both Miamis.
The Make No Mistake, You Are Here for Basketball Conference
Somebody just pointed out to me that there is another college sport people will pay money to see. And since it isn’t practical to make football season eight months long, this concept will need a home for those places that historically have drawn more dough from the hard court.
Member Schools: Indiana, North Carolina, North Carolina State, Kentucky, Arizona, Duke, Maryland, Kansas, Connecticut