Let Heyward-Mania Officially Begin

All spring long we have regaled with tales of a phenom in Atlanta, a six-and-one-half foot tall Adonis whose garment you are not worthy to touch. It took no time at all for word to spread; there was a veritable pilgrimage all the way from Braves’ camp in Florida just to see the mighty Jason Heyward wield his mighty ThunderBat.

Heyward: Do not stare directly into his eyes.

Such was the hype that something was seen, well…in like the first time ever. In Atlanta, notoriously one of the worst sports cities in this country, people actually stayed in the ballpark, nay, they were standing in the aisles risking the clog of the Peachtree City’s even more notorious rush-hour traffic, and for what? Just to see Heyward’s final at-bat in the 9th inning of a blowout win over the soon-to-be-hapless Cubs.

Who can blame them? After Heyward’s 9th-inning richocheting bullet into center field plated his 4th RBI of the day, the crowd parted. But while they shuffled to their cars, they started the time in their lives when they can only reminisce aboout the wonder they had witnessed. For the price of attending Opening Day, the Atlantans saw the Braves’ New World make a major league debut that will not only change baseball, but the world as we know it. This is only a partial list of what Heyward accomplished in the span of nine innings.

  • Knocked in the aforementioned 4 RBI
  • Warped the space-time continuum
  • Cured Bobby Cox’s erectile dysfunction with just the power of his stare
  • Won a Nobel Prize, an Olympic Gold Medal, and the Powerball
  • Hit a ball so far he may be fined by the FAA for failing to file a flight plan 
  • Divided by zero successfully
  • Composed the definitive answer as to the meaning of life
  • Tapped Kim Kardashian’s ass, and made Reggie Bush hold his coat while he did it
  • Walked across a lake to heal an injured swan

If these sort of miracles keep occuring, there soon might be at least 400 people by June in Atlanta who could name 5 Braves. That might be the biggest miracle of all.

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One response

  1. [...] than three years before Atlanta’s 20-year-old rookie right fielder savior of the franchise Jason Heyward, was [...]

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