Ask The Geico Guy: Is Joe Flacco a Simpsons Fan?

31 03 2010

Does a 10-pound bag of flour make a really big biscuit? He certainly seems to be as today’s installment shows Joe at a flag football game paying homage to Hans Moleman and his epic “Man Getting Hit by Football.”

You really have to feel bad for the victim. It’s bad enough he is the one so shitty at even the most-watered down version of football he gets stuck with camera duty. For his gallant lens service, the Ravens’ quarterback gives him a pointed leather dick-punch from 15 yards away.

Now, if Derrick Mason could just grow hands out of his jock…





Teams That Grind My Gears: The Los Angeles Dodgers, part II

31 03 2010

There’s nothing like the joys of being able to spend an entire afternoon watching all umpteen innings of a Dodgers-Rockies spring training affair. If for no other reason, I got to see this will be another year of great Dodger baseball.

One great Dodger tradition that continues is only ever have three guys who can hit.  Better yet, for some reason, one of these guys must be a first baseman who is a “great Dodger hitter,” meaning he might hit .300, but he’s not going to hit 20 homers or drive in 100 runs. Enter James Loney.

So, watching the Dodgers means watching six guys trying to get a walk, get hit, get anything that gets you on base without actually having to swing the bat.  Naturally, this is just stalling, hoping to bring one of the aforementioned three to the plate. 

Now you may ask, why bother with a team that can only manage to beat the hapless NL West, then crumple the minute it faces a real playoff team? Because, they are the Dodgers, which means they should have scorn and derision heaped upon them at every opportunity. Specifically, they do exceptionally cheap-assholish Dodger-type things, like charging you $10 for a watered-down beer, $5.50 for a questionably sanitary Dodger Dog, and $3 when one of those two has it’s predicted effect.

Since the dawn of Dodger Stadium, Dodger fans have been known to have wait in long lines to make a Dodger Dookie.  Of course, this is the result of a classic Dodger cost-cutting move, building a 56,000-seat stadium with enough bathroom for about half that many. Seriously, the traffic going into and out of the men’s room can rival the Santa Monica Freeway. While the Dodgers can’t do much about individual bladder control (otherwise they would have done something about Tommy Lasorda years ago), they did come up with a Dodger-type plan.

Since building a couple of bathrooms would have been far too sensible, the Dodgers invented the BAT…that stands for Bathroom Attendant Team. Let that soak in for a moment.

The BATs stand at each bathroom entrance and guide each bathroom user to the next available toilet or urinal. Yes, the pissers now have their own pisser traffic cop.  But more importantly, just how does our BAT know where to guide me? How does he know where I need to go?

That’s simple. He doesn’t care. While he’s taking your three bucks, he grumbles something in a language you don’t speak and waves toward something, swooshing you off to this whole urinating/defecating thing all to yourself. All this supposedly representing the new “Let me hold it for it you” service promised by the Dodgers.

“I got this idea when I was at Disneyland.” Said Dodger Stadium Executive, Bob Steiner.

There is at this time no truth to the rumor that Dodgers are planning to have Condiment Attendants to help patrons get ketchup, mustard, and onions on their Dodger Dogs in a more efficient manner.





Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For: The Duke Blue Devils

30 03 2010

Since the Final Four is now set and the odds say the team you were cheering is on the bus headed back home, we here at Dubsism feel compelled to keep you informed as to which teams you should not be behind. In today’s installment, we explore the reasons why the Duke Blue Devils don’t deserve your support. 

The first one is easy.

1) Duke sucks.

If the day ever comes when somebody can crowbar Coach K’s cock from Dick Vitale’s throat, ESPN might actually discover basketball exists outside of Durham.

2) Nobody can spell or pronounce Mike Krzyzewski’s name.

Really, is there really a need to have two Zs, a Y, and a W in any name? Unless he needs a built-in bazillion-point Scrabble word, perhaps the coach should buy a damn vowel.

3) Two Words: Christian Laettner.

Actually, Laettner just represents a long line of Duke players who we, to be honest, just got sick of hearing about. Seriously, don’t you just want to puke everytime you hear names like Shane Battier, Luol Deng, or (gasp) J.J. Redick? Even Duke fans know it.





More Stuff To Do Now That Your Brackets Are Toast

29 03 2010

Who doesn’t love a funny name? Luckily the sports world is full of them. A while back we explored the hilarious monikers from the annals of college football. But when it comes to taking it to the next level, the bar has been raised by the Name of the Year tournament.

Peruse the field of 64, make your picks, and watch it flame out just like all your other brackets. But don’t miss some of the real gems in this.

World War Two in the First Round: Stalin Felipe vs. Hitler Makofane

A possible Sweet Sixteen matchup between Dick Smallberries, Jr. and Banana Yaya (Sponsored by Enzyte? Or would they rather get in on the Just-In’Love Smith vs. Charity Beaver match?)

My own personal favorite? X’Zavier Bloodsaw. 

No matter what, it’s hard to bet against Spartacus Bernstien.





Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For: West Virginia

29 03 2010

Since the Final Four is now set and the odds say the team you were cheering is on the bus headed back home, we here at Dubsism feel compelled to keep you informed as to which teams you should not be behind. In today’s installment, we explore the reasons why the West Virginia Mountaineers don’t deserve your support. 

1) Bob Huggins is in the Russian Mafia.

Just look at him resplendent in his greased back hair, the jogging suit that hides the body bloat the face gives away, brought by a diet of pure-starch and vodka. But don’t kid yourself; he’d kill your whole family for a few rubles.

2) They burn couches for no real reason.

I can’t decide which I love more, the mentality that celebrates victory with wanton destruction or a college tradition that gets so completely out of hand legislation is needed.

3) Who the hell trusts a mountain man who recycles?

 

Sorry, but when I picture a guy who wears buckskins and kills everything he eats, I’m not seeing a guy who sorts his plastics. 

4) They can’t even spell West Virginia.

 

Even when they get it right, they have to be crude about it.





We’ve Just Found The World’s Craziest Man

29 03 2010

Of all people, I am the one who understands making the big road trip for a college football game. I’ve made a sixteen-hour one way drive just for a Penn State game in Happy Valley more times than I care to admit. If you think that is a bit much, ask yourself a question. What are you willing to do to see your favorite college team play? If you think a road trip for one game is nuts, let me introduce you to the craziest man in the world. His name is Wendell Wolka, and he is a Purdue fan.

Being Boiler faithful isn’t what makes him certifiable (however it doesn’t help); the fact that he hasn’t missed a Purdue football game in 35 years does. Known as “The King” for his black and gold Pharaoh lid, Wolka can tell you in detail about the last Purdue game played without him in attendance. According to Wolka, it was September 28, 1974, when he decided not to attend the Purdue game at Notre Dame.  Feeling that cheering for Purdue in the shadow of Touchdown Jesus would be akin to backing the Christians in Rome, so he skipped it.

However, since he was living in nearby Chicago at the time, the game was tantalizingly available on the radio. Of course, he tuned in at the precise moment an overly-excited announcer was screaming about Purdue leading a stunned Notre Dame late in the 3rd quarter. Wolka, a 1971 Purdue graduate in mechanical engineering, entertained a thought as to whether he had time to drive the 100 miles to South Bend to be there for the possible upset. Time was not on his side, and he missed Purdue’s 31-20 victory. That’s when he decided not to miss another game.

He has kept that promise to himself. Beginning the next week, October 5, 1974 to be exact, Wolka has kept an attendance streak of 415 straight Boilermaker football games. However, the streak nearly never started with that road game at Duke. Thanks to some sketchy directions, Wolka ended up at North Carolina’s stadium in Chapel Hill instead of Duke’s in nearby Durham. Once he found the right place, he saw Purdue lose, 16-14.

Obviously, that isn’t the first time he has seen the Boilers blow it, and it also isn’t the first time the streak was threatened. Once in the mid-1980s Wolka was traveling on business in the Netherlands. He was running late and the jetway had been pulled from the plane as he arrived at his gate on a Friday afternoon. It was the last flight he could take and still make it to West Lafayette the next day. Wolka concocted story upon story for the airline workers; continually pleading his case until the airline workers relented and got him on the plane.

Another potential streak-buster came in the early 1990s when his boss at the time ordered him to a mandatory meeting in Texas. This mandatory meeting required that Wolka arrive in the Lone Star state on a Saturday. Now, this wouldn’t have been a problem had Purdue been playing Texas A&M, but the schedule wasn’t that kind. This particular Saturday saw the Boilers hosting Michigan at Ross-Ade. As he was living in Milwaukee at the time, Wolka made the 200-mile drive to West Lafayette to keep his streak alive.  Then to remain employed, he hopped back in the car for a mad dash to Indianapolis, where he caught a flight to Houston, making it to the mandatory meeting with literally minutes to spare. 

While you have to admire his dedication, one has to wonder…how nuts would this guy be if he was backing a team that didn’t suck? As a member of the class of ’71, Wolka was an underclassman during Purdue’s last Rose Bowl win in 1967.  While that run for the roses may have been what hooked him, he’s stayed hooked. Wolka has shown this level of devotion to a program posting a 210-231 record since 1970.

Frankly, I’m surprised any Purdue fans came back after that debacle against Northern Illinois last season…Well, at least the Boilers know how to get in a cheap shot when they need one.





The Road to the Frozen Four: Welcome to My Wreckage

29 03 2010

Apparently, now you can't spell Cinderella without RIT.

To really comprehend what happened to my bracket, it is key to understand the term “catastrophe.”       

From Merriam-Webster Online:  

Main Entry: ca·tas·tro·phe   Pronunciation: \kə-ˈtas-trə-(ˌ)fē\  Function: noun  Etymology: Greek katastrophē, from katastrephein to overturn, from kata- + strephein to turn  Date: 1540  

  1. the final event of the dramatic action especially of a tragedy
  2. a momentous tragic event ranging from extreme misfortune to utter overthrow or ruin
  3. A: a violent and sudden change in a feature of the earth, or  B : a violent usually destructive natural event (as a supernova)
  4. utter failure : fiasco <the party was a catastrophe>
  5. letting me fill out a bracket for any sport at anytime

How sad is it when the best thing I can say about my basketball bracket is it isn’t my hockey bracket? Where the hardcourt heartbreak fills with the Syracuses and Georgetowns of the world, merely shifting to the ice doesn’t change the fact that one really doesn’t have much hope for winning when the teams slated for the finals in your bracket gag in the first round.  On the floor, the Big East became the Big Least, and on the ice, the Western Collegiate Hockey Assocation (WCHA) simply forgot to show up.  

As a conference, the WCHA led the tourney with four teams seeded, including two #1 selections. Throughout the season, the WCHA had several teams rated in the Top 20. Throughout the season, the WCHA was regarded as the best conference in the nation. Leave it to the post-season to bring about that violent and sudden change in a feature of the earth, as the tournament has created a tectonic shift away from the WCHA’s dominance.

In the past decade, a WCHA side has won the national championship 6 times, but hasn’t hoisted the trophy since the Wisconsin Badgers did it in 2006. In 2005, the Frozen Four was a WCHA-only affair when Colorado College, Denver, Minnesota, and North Dakota all advanced. Having the final four in any NCAA tournament all being from the same conference has never happened before or since, but shouldn’t be shocking considering the WCHA has placed as many as six teams into this sixteen-team field on multiple occasions. But it certainly seems the rest of the hockey world has caught up to the west.

Mr. Burns Loses to Yale:

Yes, I get the irony of North Dakota losing to the eggheads from its representative Simpsons character’s alma mater. Frankly, other than the burst through the WCHA Tournament, North Dakota’s play this season has been as flat as the Red River Valley it calls home. While the Sioux made a living off Game Two comebacks, that strategy doesn’t play well in a one-and-done format.

Grimey Grabs the Wires:  

A #4 seed has only ever beaten a #1 once, and that upset victim also came from the WCHA. In other words, now Denver now knows how Minnesota feels. I want to picture Denver head coach George Gwozdecky sitting in a dark room crying, a bottle of Jim Beam in one hand and Don Lucia on the phone.  

GWOZDECKY: “I…I just can’t believe it happened that way. Rochester seemed so nice.

“LUCIA: “That’s how it happens George. One minute they are charming and buying you drinks, and the next they are on top of you, and you can’t get away.”  

GWOZDECKY: “It…it all happened so fast…”

This leaves us with the Rochester Institute of Technology playing giant killer, just like Holy Cross did to the Gophers a few years ago. If you are of the correct age, you remember exactly where you were when man landed on the moon.  

Ahhh, memories...Eat me, Minnesota.

Being first to slay a giant gave Holy Cross a “man on the moon” moment, but just because somebody else planted the flag doesn’t lessen the accomplishment. In fact, RIT has taken “one giant step” a step further by advancing to the Frozen Four, where it will test its ability to kill Badgers. Besides, it gives me another chance to break out one of my favorite graphics of all time, which I will use every chance I get because as we all know, Minnesota sucks. 

Lisa Simpson Finally Loses Her Cherry:

One of the few bright spots for the WCHA came when perennial “one and done” St. Cloud State broke through the barrier by finally winning a tournament game. But one bright moment supernovas into another, as the Huskies’ run ended at the hands of the Wisconsin Badgers, who advance to be the sole WCHA side still skating.    The rest of the bracket heading into the Frozen Four at Ford Field in Detroit is shown below.

East Region:  Albany, New York Frozen Four  Detroit, Michigan National Champion
#1 Denver #1 Denver#4 RIT #1 Denver #4 RIT   #1 Denver          #2 North Dakota
#4 Rochester Institute of Technology
#2 Cornell #2 Cornell#3 New Hampshire
#3 New Hampshire
West Region: St. Paul, Minnesota  
#2 St. Cloud State #3 Northern Michigan#2 St. Cloud State #1 Wisconsin
#3 Northern Michigan
#1 Wisconsin #1 Wisconsin
#4 Vermont
Northeast Region:Worcester, Massachusetts  
#1 Boston College #1 Boston College  #2 North Dakota#1 Boston College        #2 North Dakota
#4 Alaska-Fairbanks
#2 North Dakota #2 North Dakota#3 Yale
#3 Yale
Midwest Region: Fort Wayne, Indiana  
#1 Miami (OH) #1 Miami (OH) #1 Miami (OH)
#4 Alabama-Huntsville
#2 Bemidji State #2 Bemidji State#3 Michigan
#3 Michigan

If you are a fan of the WCHA, don’t stare at it too long…it isn’t going to get any better.





Guest Column: Joe McGrath on the International Bowl

28 03 2010

 

Editor’s Note: Mr. McGrath has long and storied history in the management of professional sports franchises, most notably as the general manager of the Charlestown Chiefs of the now-defunct Federal League.

First of all, I want to say that stuff Reggie Dunlop was spreading about me wearing dresses is a bunch of bunk. He’s been peddling that story for years, ever since our days together back in Charlestown. He’s never forgiven me for making those boys do those fashion shows.

You can ask  the guys who were running the International Bowl. You gotta generate revenue, otherwise you are stuck recycling jockstraps, or worse yet going belly-up all together. Hell, it’s easy to question the wisdom of having a bowl game in Toronto in December. It’s even easier to wonder why anybody would care about a MAC vs. Big East match-up. You can even whine about the economy all you want. Perhaps a few more fashion shows and maybe the International Bowl might still exist.

Sure, it was a low-rent bowl game. But those mopes at ESPN got fifty channels they need to fill with something.  These guys had TV money and a crowd of 40,000. Shit, I couldn’t get that kind of gate in the Federal League if I gave away hookers and bourbon with each ticket. We still managed to put on more than four goddamn games, and they somehow managed to blow it.  They must have been terrible masturbators.

It is really simple. You have to spend less than you earn. If you have to recycle some jocks or sell a bus here and there, so be it. Don’t be afraid as a front-office type to offer inspirational words to players. In other words, do whatever you have to do so you can bank those dimes, because there won’t always be the rumor of a new owner in Florida.

Reggie Goddamn Dunlop…





Pick the Washington Nationals’ First “Wang” Joke

27 03 2010

We all know contract negotiations can be a dirty business. In order for both parties to achieve satisfaction there is so much back and forth and in and out mixed with the general writhing sometimes just to close the deal, they lose sight of the value of the deal in the first place.

Time for some brutal honesty, men. Every one of you has taken a “C-list” woman on an “A-List” date just because you knew it dramatically increased your odds of breaking a “dry spell.” Picture the Washington Nationals as Mr. Dry Spell, and free-agent pitcher Chien-Ming Wang as the C-list chick and you get the idea.

But the Nats are soooo lonely. They haven’t had a taste since Montreal, so you really can’t criticize the Nats for dropping $2 million just to get some Wang back in their clubhouse, but you can make a lot of dick jokes. A name like Wang takes the hard out of dick jokes. A name like Wang begs to be given head…lines.

Nationals fans should expect to see nothing less than $2 million worth of such headlinery this season. Some are so obvious, you know you are going to see them. ESPN is already giving you the seedcorn.

(Hat tip on both photos to tauntr.com)

This leaves us all on tinterhooks until the day some copywriter in D.C. gets the nads to whip out his dick joke chops. I think the Wang wait won’t be long.





Would You Be Facebook Friends With Jay Cutler?

26 03 2010

Jay Cutler is devastated because you ignored his friend request.

Seriously, if it weren’t for the good people at Failbooking.com, we may never have seen this pure bit of delight. Sure, it pre-dates Cutler’s current Chicago reign of suckitude, but who can resist cheap shots at Vanderbilt AND Duke…

My personal favorite: “Jay Cutler is a Dallas Cowboys fan.”  What more proof is there of extreme douchitude?








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