Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: Softball

27 02 2010

Have you ever had one of those moments where you can’t believe what you are reading, yet you aren’t surprised this is the level to which we have sunk as a society? Well, look no farther than Palm Desert, California for today’s example.

“Palm Desert High School is without a girls varsity softball coach after the Desert Sand Unified School District fired their current coach Ashley Nieto.  This all comes after a criminal investigation accused Neito’s husband, Ronald, who is a registered sex offender, of volunteering with the girls softball team without the school’s permission.  The Riverside County Sheriff’s Department conducted their own investigation, and the DA’s office charged him with 3 misdemeanors.  Ronald Nieto pled guilty in 1998 to lewd acts with a child. The child is now his current wife: the former coach of the girls softball team Ashley Nieto. At the time Ashley was 14, Nieto was 39.”

This is patently disgusting. When as a nation did we allow softball to be considered a varsity sport? Face it, America…softball is bullshit.

Who the hell would choose to play softball when you could play baseball instead? There are only two types to from which to choose: pony-tailed girls forced into softball since the schools won’t let them play baseball or ever-widening adult slackjaws who want to get exercise but who don’t want to overextend their beer-bloated asses. If you need a lazy alternative to baseball, then you don’t deserve to live. Have that brain-splattering stroke you’ve been saving up for and leave the rest of us alone.

Softball wishes it were baseball. The playing field is a mini-me to a legitimate baseball diamond, the structure of the game is nearly identical, and it shares many of the basic rules. But it is those changes that make it suck. The length of the base paths, the length of the bat, the length of the match itself…everything about softball falls short.  The only thing softball does well is illustrate the hypocrisy and cowardice of the International Olympic Committee (IOC).

See, the problem is softball got the IOC get called out on it’s sexist bullshit. Much like the bullshit no-contact version of hockey they foisted on women, they saddled women with the stripped-down, unwatchable version of baseball. While the men get to play a real sport, the women get stuck with the sexist bullshit of the IOC. The world would be a better place if we got to see those women wielding a Louisville Slugger and storming 90-foot basepaths on which they can occasionally spike a shortstop. But what did the IOC do when it was caught in this obvious sexism? It lierraly threw out the baby with the bathwater; getting rid of both softball and baseball.

Women get forced into this goofy sport, but there is no fucking excuse for being a man who plays softball. Drive by a softball diamond on a night when all the men’s leagues are playing. You will never see a bigger collection of drunken yokels, standing around with their stumpy bats and huge, yellow balls. Seriously, for some reason they are only ever seen in groups of 30 or more and there must be a law that states in each such group, only two can have any real athletic ability whatsoever. There is always at least 30 of them on the field at any given time. There are fewer things funnier than watching the guy who can actually play desperately trying not to lap the two fat-humps clogging the basepaths in front of him’ unless it watching one of those humps turn bright red and drop dead on home plate from a massive coronary.

Softball is a sport, but a half-assed one. Women are forced to play it, and the men who play softball usually have full woman-breasts. That’s what you get for playing this aberration of a sport.





Los Angeles vs. San Francisco: A Study In Rivalry

26 02 2010

What makes a great rivalry? If you were to leave that question to the dopes at ESPN, all you will hear is a bunch of slop about the Red Sox and the Yankees, Michigan and Ohio State, or from the real “traditionalists,” you might get some waxing nostalgic about Army and Navy. In other words, this is just another arena where the supposed sports experts think the world is flat, and it is inevitable one will keyboard off the edge somewhere west of the Big 12. 

But rivalry transcends sports. Cities have been engaging in a game of one-upsmanship since the Neolithic Revolution, and Los Angeles and San Francisco have been trading rabbit-punches and groin kicks since Leland Stanford and Collis Huntington were building the railroads that connected these then far-off burghs to each other and to the flat earth. Granted, sports now play a major role in a city’s identity, but they do not form the exclusive standard against which a municipality may be measured.

Earthquakes:

One has to have this category as both Los Angeles and San Francisco have both had their share of cataclysms. The City By The Bay was leveled in 1906, and did its “level best” to impress for the 1989 World Series by providing the Loma Prieta quake, thus postponing the inevitable drubbing of the San Francisco Giants by the Oakland A’s in the only series to feature both Bay Area sides.

But the Southland is also land that is prone to the occasional violent thrashing. Nobody remembers the 1933 quake that rubble-ized a swath from Long Beach through Los Angeles and killed 115 people. Memories are somewhat fresher for the Northridge quake of 1994, but they are fading for the 1971 Sylmar quake.

See, the problem is that San Francisco does disasters with memory-etching style. 1906 saw the city not only literally shaken to bits, but then the bits burned to the still-moving ground. 1989’s temblor was caught on live television, and to top that, San Franciscans found a way to sing about it afterward in a way that matched the city’s general quirkiness. Not only do Los Angeles’ quakes lack that kind of panache, but they tried to atone for it by letting Hollywood turn it all into one of those 1970’s big-budget, cast-of-several, mondo-disaster cheese-fests.

Advantage: Los Angeles, but only on account of Charlton Heston, and only because he was the only guy with enough balls to find out the secret of Soylent Green. Plus, he knows how to land a crippled 747 while being fawned over by America’s sexiest 1970’s cross-eyed stewardess. When’s the last time you got off your fat, pock-marked ass to do something like that?

Baseball:

Both the Bay Area and the Southland have two major league sides. Only the Angels are original sons, otherwise, three of these franchises were stolen from other cities.

Since the Angels are original, they are mismatched with the Oakland A’s as the American League little brothers; they don’t really have a sense of rivalry. Even their owners were completely different types of guys. Angels’ owner Gene Autry made his dough as a singing cowboy in westerns of the 1930’s. In fact, Autry is the only person that has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in all five categories; motion pictures, radio, recording, television, and live theater. If that weren’t enough, he also served in the Army Air Corps in China during World War II.

In contrast, A’s owner Charlie Finley was more a cheap asshole than anything else. A guy who made his money selling insurance, Finley brought the miserly ways of the insurance business to baseball. For example, players were issued a certain number of bats. If a player broke a bat, they wouldn’t get any replacements. Finley also rarely ordered new uniforms at the start of a season, instead recycling old ones. Trainers were told to use every bit of a roll of medical tape, with usually heavy reprimand if they didn’t. He also never offered season tickets.

At one point during their championship years, the A’s radio flagship broadcaster was KALX, a 10-watt radio station owned by the University of California-Berkeley. Being such a low-power station meant KALX couldn’t be heard more than 10 miles from the Oakland Coliseum. At other times during Finley’s tenure, the A’s had no radio or television contracts, which made them practically unknown outside of Oakland. This helps to explain why the A’s couldn’t draw fans, even when they were winning three straight World Series titles in the 1970’s.

But in the Senior Circuit, the Giants and the Dodgers are inextricably linked in National League history. They are both handcuffed to the history of NewYork, the city they both fled in 1957. The rivalry was born in the days when the Polo Grounds and Ebbets Field lent territoriality to two neighborhoods, not two cities separated by 400 miles of coastal California.  But the intensity never went away. Just ask John Roseboro.

 

That’s Johnny there, getting a dent put in his melon by Giants hall-of-famer Juan Marichal. From BaseballLibrary.com:

“On August 22, 1965, Marichal faced Sandy Koufax at Candlestick Park in the heat of a tight pennant race. The Giants and Dodgers had come close to a brawl two days earlier over catcher’s interference calls. Los Angeles’s Maury Wills had allegedly tipped Tom Haller’s mitt with his bat on purpose, and Marichal’s best friend, Matty Alou, retaliated by tipping John Roseboro’s face mask. Roseboro nearly beaned Alou with his return throw to the mound. In the August 22 game, Marichal had flattened Wills and Ron Fairly with pitches when Roseboro purportedly asked Koufax to hit Marichal. When Koufax refused, Roseboro’s return throw came close to Marichal’s head. Name-calling ensued, until Roseboro suddenly ripped off his mask and stood up. Marichal rapped the catcher on the head with his bat. What followed was one of the most violent brawls in major league history. Willie Mays led away Roseboro, who had suffered a concussion, while Dodger Bob Miller tackled Marichal, Alou slugged Miller, and Tito Fuentes menaced the Dodgers with his bat. Roseboro sued Marichal, but eventually dropped the suit. Marichal was fined $1750, was suspended for a week, and missed two starts as the Giants finished two games behind the Dodgers. Years later, Marichal said, “I feel sorry that I used the bat.”

Advantage: San Francisco; anybody that beats the crap out of a Dodger wins.

Public Transit:

Why this category? Because one of the best ways to judge a city is in its public works, because it shows the ability to build, manage, organize, and maintain anything. Since most cities’ largest public work is transit, it is only logical that this be an adequate measure. 

Leave it to San Francisco to find a way to do logic with style. Not only does the F Market line operate vehicles people actually want to ride, but does so to places that large numbers of those people would consider to be an advantageous destination. Los Angeles completely abandoned rail in 1963, and would have been happy to remain that way until 9 of its world-famous freeways crumbled in 1994.

Once it took longer to drive from Canoga Park to Elysian Park than it took the Pilgrims to sail the Atlantic, establish a civilization that would ultimately land on the moon, then have wet dreams about Sarah Palin, Los Angeles had no choice but to build rail. The problem is that the Southland does have a style of its own, and this style applies to everything Los Angelinos do. The primary manifestation is characterized by having a very competitive nature, albeit completely misguided.  Examples:

“Yeah, your girlfriend’s breast implants are bigger than my girlfriend’s, but I’ll bet you my girlfriend’s explode before yours.”

“My wife thinks I don’t know about her and the pool boy. Wait ‘til she finds out I gave them both chlamydia!”

“Sure your trains are pretty, but mine are LETHAL. FUCK YEAH!”

Advantage: San Francisco

Football

Back in the day, the Rams and the 49ers shared a spirited rivalry. Since the NFL was the first professional league to put franchises on the west coast, these teams enjoyed huge popularity. College football is also massively popular; both the Stanford-Cal and USC-UCLA games are huge events in their respective cities. Even high school football has a massive following. So why is California football so dysfunctional?

Face it. The only way Los Angeles will ever get another NFL team is if Southern Cal is admitted as an expansion team. The Bay Area is arguably home to two of the worst football stadia in existence, and even if USC were to join the NFL, Cal, Stanford, and UCLA would all still find ways to be mediocre.

It’s gotta be Al Davis.

Face it #2. Al Davis is one of the big reasons Los Angeles lost two NFL franchises, he’s responsible for goading Oakland into building that god-awful coliseum, and he’s effectively destroyed the once-proud franchise he built.

Advantage: San Diego, because Davis hasn’t moved there…yet.





More Evidence Wayne Gretzky Isn’t Canadian

23 02 2010

As noted previously, there is a case to be made that hockey’s “The Great One” may in fact not be a Canadian as he claims.

Last time I checked, Los Angeles was still not in Canada.

ESPN’s John Buccigross gave Gretzky a test on knowledge common to Canadians. The results may astound you.

Naturally, we here at Dubism will continue to investigate this story.





Ten Reasons Why I Watch Curling

23 02 2010

First of all, I do actually enjoy the game itself. It requires a great deal of skill and strategy and their is something hypnotic about it. But, as a male, it is hard to deny curling is chock full of hot chicks and MILFy goodness. To be even more honest, I think we all know that’s really why I’m into it. Without further adieu, here’s why:

10) The Japanese Team

9) Madeline Dupont, Denmark

8 ) Denise Dupont, Denmark

7 ) Allison Pottinger, USA

6) Carmen Keung,  Switzerland

6) Ludmila Privikova, Russia

4) Ekaterina Galkina, Russia

4) Nicole Joraanstad, USA

3) Eva Lund, Sweden

2) Melanie Robillard, Germany

1) Eve Muirhead, Great Britain





Baseball Prospectus Admits Error; Washington Nationals Are NOT the Greatest Team Ever

23 02 2010

In case you weren’t aware, Baseball Prospectus is home to some of baseball’s most respected statisticians. Their PECOTA rankings, assumed to be named in honor of a certain beloved utility infielder, attempt to project each team’s performance based on statistical variables.

This year, they projected the Washington Nationals to finish at 82-80 (insert laugh track here).

Seriously, 82-80 for a franchise that hasn’t seen a winning season since 2003 when they posted a mark of 83-79 as the Montreal Expos. It’s been five years since they saw .500. Granted, the Nats do have some talent on the roster; Ryan Zimmerman has developed into one of the best third baseman in the game, last season Adam Dunn fell only two long balls short of tying Babe Ruth for the most consecutive 40-homer seasons, and the outfield shows promise for the future in Josh Willingham, Nyjer Morgan, and Elijah Dukes.

Are these the shoulders to carry the Nats to .500?

But baseball is about pitching. While the Nats have some respectable talent on the hill, it is a bit of a reach to pin the hopes for a .500 season on a starting staff anchored by John Lannan, Jason Marquis, and Chien-Ming Wang. It’s almost as though the seriously-hoped-for future greatness of pitcher Stephen Strasburg offers an aura of competence that somehow leaks into the statistics, even though he isn’t likely to see the big leagues this year.  After readers expressed confusion, Baseball Prospectus responded:

Reading through the comments of yesterday’s announcement that the PECOTA projections have been released, it is evident that there is a lot of concern over several aspects of the data, ranging from the projected standings to individual quirks. We understand and appreciate that this reflects a lot of passion for what we do here at Baseball Prospectus. To be blunt: we messed up, and are working to fix the issues.

Needless to say, the projections have been updated. So, after the slide-rules were re-calibrated, the computers re-booted, and the statisticians given full medical and psychological exams, what happened to that ridiculous 82-80 prediction? Did we get a far more possible number like 75-87? Not quite…the expectation for the Nationals has now been dropped to 81-81.

After all the hand-wringing and re-examination of the data, they pulled back for one fucking win. It’s like they forgot this team finished at 59-103 last year. Or perhaps they didn’t have a calculus for the fact the Nationals are in the same division as the Phillies, Marlins, and the Braves, all of whom at least don’t suck. It could be there was rampant enthusiasm at Baseball Prospectus given the Nats get to face the generally weak AL Central in inter-league play.

Perhaps If I were as smart as the Baseball Prospectus gang, I’d be less critical of this. While it may be quite possible I’m only cut out for “2+2″ math, at least I know the Nationals roster doesn’t add up to 82 wins.






Either Learn To Take A Joke Or Shut The Fuck Up

22 02 2010

What have we come to in this world when one can’t make fun of the blatantly obvious? It seems that a pair of blokes from down under have gotten a bit jammed up for noticing that a great deal of male figure skaters might be (gasp) homosexuals.

First, look at this picture.

Who are we kidding here? Are you really trying to tell me this isn’t so fucking ridiculous that it begs to be joke fodder? Here’s a reality check for you overly-sensitive shitbags who are wringing your hands and bawling in anguish over a few gay jokes. If people are going to flaunt anything – let alone their sexuality – they can’t get pissed when they get called out on it.

Oh wait, it isn’t the figure skaters in question getting upset. It is some sanctimonious, “holier-than-thou,” loud-mouthed “advocate” who is raising the ruckus. Do you know what really hacks me off about these people? The self-righteousness that oozes out of quotes like these:

“They’re harmful to, particularly, gay youth who are living in isolated areas across the nation.”

Really? How do you know that? Did you actually talk to any “isolated, gay youth” or are you one of those assloafs who presumes to know what others think and feel? I think the next quote gives the answer to that…

“These young kids look up to [the announcers in question] and when they hear these kinds of comments and having issues with their own coming-out process, or low self-esteem or depression… they feel worthless.”

If you aren’t familiar, that’s 100% pure, uncut, high-grade presumptuous sanctimony. Does this guy really think that a joke directed at a completely obvious target is the catalyst for anybody’s feelings of self-worthlessness? I’ve got news for you; if you get all the way through life and this is the worst thing that ever happens to you, you’ve gotten off light.

More importantly, regardless of whether you consider figure skating a sport, Olympic skaters have survived much worse than a few jokes to get where they are, namely hours upon hours of grueling training and the inevitable failures that pave the road to success. So, it seems safe to assume that these guys might have some toughness to them, and therefore are not going to be that upset about a couple of wise-cracks.

In other words, if you aren’t the butt of the joke, keep your nose out of it.





Traditions of the Minnesota Twins

21 02 2010

Is there a sport richer with tradition than baseball? Think about it…from the ceremonial first pitch to the parade for the winners of the World Series, baseball oozes tradition. But not all traditions are good. With spring training underway, it is time to look at the Minnesota Twins, and three traditions that franchise really needs to end.  

1) Haggling with the superstar talent, or failing that, sticking them on a bus.  

The current contract wrangling involving uber-catcher Joe Mauer is just the latest in a long line of Twins’ decisions with “star” players. Twice in the past 20 years, the Twins have somehow managed to sign one of their stars for less than the market would have borne for them. Kent Hrbek passed on a big deal from the Red Sox to stay in Minnesota, and Kirby Puckett kept his address in the Land of 10,000 Lakes when the Twins made him baseball’s first $3 million per year player.  

At least in those cases, and hopefully in Mauer’s as well, the Twins managed to get the deal done. This is crucial as when deals don’t get done, or if the Twins even think the price is going to be too high, they have no problem shipping a guy out of town. In fact, one could make a respectable Major League team were it possible to field in their primes all the guys the Twins let go via trade or free agency. 

The Twins All-Time “Let ‘em Go” Team   

  • 1B/DH – David Ortiz
  • 2B – Chuck Knoblauch 
  • SS – Zoilo Versalles
  • 3B – Gary Gaetti
  • C – Butch Wynegar
  • OF – Lyman Bostock
  • OF – Torii Hunter
  • OF – Tom Brunansky
  • SP – Bert Blyleven (twice)
  • SP – Dave Goltz
  • SP – Jim Kaat
  • SP – Johan Santana
  • SP – Frank Viola
  • RP – Dave LaRoche 

Calvin Griffith's extreme forearm musculature

The master of this practice was old-school owner and professional cheapskate Calvin Griffith. Griffith never met a penny he didn’t pinch so hard that Abe Lincoln farted.  

It was rumored that Griffith sported flexor pollicus longus muscles rivaling those of Mark McGwire and Magilla Gorilla, muscles so powerful that he could crush a cinder block simply by clenching it in his massive thumbs.  

He used those titanic opposing digits to point out the road to Orange County, California, as many Twins were shipped down that road to the Angels. The list is long, and ranges from hall of famer Rod Carew to utility infielder Rob Wilfong, with solid major league talent sandwiched in between like Lyman Bostock, “Disco” Danny Ford, Geoff Zahn; and after Griffith’s reign Bert Blyleven and Gary Gaetti.  

2) The “Value” Free-Agent   

While it is too late to stop this madness for this season, Twins fans must unite and demand an end to this madness now. Saving a few dollars on a guy who is past his prime never works.     

Granted, Shannon Stewart and Chili Davis had flashes of productivity, but you have to admit the rest of the list over the past 20 years can be a bit frightening.  

  • 1990 – Jim Dwyer and John Candelaria
  • 1991 – Steve Bedrosian
  • 1992 – Chili Davis
  • 1993 – Dave Winfield
  • 1994 – Jim Deshaies
  • 1995 – Kevin Maas
  • 1996 – Dave Hollins
  • 1997 – Terry Steinbach
  • 1998 – Otis Nixon
  • 1999 – Midre Cummings
  • 2000 – Butch Huskey
  • 2001 – Todd Jones
  • 2002 – Mike Jackson
  • 2003 – Shannon Stewart
  • 2004 – Jose Offerman
  • 2005 – Brett Boone
  • 2006 – Tony Batista, Phil Nevin, and Ruben Sierra
  • 2007 – Sidney Ponson and Rondell White
  • 2008 – Mike Lamb and Craig Monroe
  • 2009 – Joe Crede
  • 2010 – Jim Thome 

3) The Rookie of the Year Curse  
Thank God Joe Mauer didn’t win this award, because it would doom him to a shortened career, being traded, or an early death. 

  • 1959 – Bob Allison (as a Washington Senator) – Died of ataxia
  • 1964 – Tony Oliva – Retired in 1976 after knee injuries had reduced him to designated hitter duties for the last four years of his career
  • 1967 – Rod Carew – Traded to the California Angels for Ken Landreaux
  • 1979 – John Castino – Retired in 1985 due to a fused disc in his back
  • 1991 – Chuck Knoblauch – After demanding a trade in 1998, Knoblauch made an ingracious exit from Minnesota by bad-mouthing Twins fans. Naturally when he returned to the Metrodome as a New York Yankees, he was pelted with debris
  • 1995 – Marty Cordova – Chronic back and foot injuries hampered his career, and that time he fell asleep in the tanning bed didn’t help either  

The Marty Cordova monument in St. Paul

As Twins fans move forward into an era with a new ballpark, let see if the franchise can make a similar stride past these not-so-good traditions. After all, Minnesota already has the Vikings, and that should be more than enough futility for one state.





What Is A Sport?

20 02 2010

During Friday’s coverage, those of us forced to watch NBC for our Olympic fix were treated to two-time figure skating gold medalist Dick Button getting roped into a discussion as to what qualifies as a “true” sport. Why? Because regardless of season, the Olympics are the perfect fodder for this debate.

Before I go any further with this, understand this is not about adding or removing any events from the Olympic Games. Rather, since it is these quadrennial events that spark this debate, I intend to use those events as a test for what constitutes a true sport.

A reason commonly believed to be the genesis of such debate stems from an argument over victory in an event like Button’s where victory is awarded subjectly, not won objectively on the field of play. Granted, wherever there are multiple opinions, there is conflict. However, I do not believe the subjective vs. objective conflict fuels this debate. Rather, I believe the cause lies in the overly broad definitions of the terms sport and athleticism.

Let’s start with the traditional definition of sport, as given by Webster’s Dictionary:

Main Entry: sport

Function: noun

Date: 15th century

1: physical activity engaged in for pleasure (recreation)

2: a particular activity (as an athletic game) so engaged in

To me, there’s an important distinction between those two examples. The distinction is two-fold. First, to qualify anything done as recreation as a sport is far too broad. Under this definition, everything from sex to building a model railroad could be qualified as a sport. The second example holds the key to separating recreational activities from true sports; athleticism. Again, from Webster’s:

Main Entry: ath·let·ic

Function: adjective

Date: 1636

1 : of or relating to athletes or athletics

2 : characteristic of an athlete; especially : vigorous, active

The second example for Webster’s defintion of athletic holds the key to what I consider a truer, more refined definition of sport: the word active. However, before that refining can take place, the definition of athletic needs some refining of its own.

ath·let·ic – to actively engage in the primary physical elements of a sporting activity, such as running, skating, jumping, performing feats of strength, physically overpowering or outdueling an opponent, throwing or otherwise propelling an object of play (such as a ball) with great force using only one’s body, and/or propelling or catching an object of play with some type of instrument while that object is in motion.

With the term athletic more specifically defined, now a solid distinction can be built between recreation and sport; recreational activities would be covered under Webster’s original instance of what was the definition of sport. In contrast, to be considered a true sport given the tighter definition of athletic,  an activity must meet three criteria.

1) It must contain at least 1 element requiring true athleticism; it must not be only the mastery of a particular skill.

Olympic events excluded from consideration as a true sport under the first criteria would be Archery, Shooting, and Curling as none of them have an element of athleticism and consist of only the mastery of a few narrowly-defined skills.

2) It must require the athlete to actively expend the energy to perform that athleticism.

Active is the key word here. Whether one is riding a horse, capturing the wind under sail, or riding some device down a hill, the primary force propelling the particpants comes from something other than the participants themselves. Olympic events that cannot be considered true sport as the participants are all passively propelled by an external source of energy include all Equestrian events, Sailing, Downhill Skiing, Ski Jumping, Bobsled, Luge, Skeleton, and Snowboarding (Snowboard Cross).

3) It must contain the element of competition with an objective scoring method used to determine a winner.

By definition, every event in the Olympics contains competition, yet many of them determine the winners via judges, and therefore fail to meet this criteria. These would include Diving, Gymnastics, Synchronized Swimming, Freestyle Skiing, Figure Skating, and Snowboard (Half-Pipe).

By following those three criteria, the Summer Olympics events classified as true sports would be Badminton, Basketball, Boxing, Cricket (coming in 2020), Fencing, Judo, Kayaking, Rowing, Swimming, Table Tennis, Tae Kwon Do, Track and Field, Tennis, Triathlon, Volleyball, Water Polo, Weightlifting, and Wrestling. In contrast, the Winter Olympics would have only three; Cross-Country Skiing, Hockey, and Speed Skating.

Boxing is worthy of note as it nearly fails the 3rd criteria as it is uses judges in determining a winner. However, it also provides the objective victory conditions of the Knockout and the Technical Knockout. Also, there are three Olympics contests that are not considered for these purposes as they are a combination of events; some of which are true sports per the three aforementioned criteria and some are not. These contests are the Modern Pentathlon, the Biathlon, and the Nordic Combined.

Much like it was stated this is not intended to serve as a discussion as to what events belong in the Olympics, it is also not intended to be an indictment of something deemed to be a recreational activity rather a sport. Sports are not the only activities worth watching; much like may recreational activities require either a great deal of skill or a significant amount of physical prowess. Rather, this is about tightening some definitions so that every four years we no longer need to listen to the debate.





And the Gold Medal in Bullshit Goes To…

18 02 2010

This is an an oldie, but a goodie. A few years back,  three guys managed to get their hands on some Team Canada gear, and then managed to get interviewed by the sideline reporter at what appears to be a sparesly-attended football game.  In which sport do these gentlemen claim to be Olympians, you ask? Hide your face up against that tree, count to 100 and I’ll tell you

"Except in China, it's called Lo Dong."

Of course, hilarity ensues. It always does with the classics.





Why The Olympics Creep Me Out

17 02 2010

Actually, there’s a whole host of reasons, but the one that really has me bugged today – Why are there so many creepy doppelgängers in Vancouver?

Start with the opening ceremony. I think we all know K.D. Lang is a lesbian, but who knew Clay Aiken is one too?

Then, there’s this guy.

First, they’ve got him out in some flash-frozen chunk of desolation Canada needlessly bothering polar bears. Then, they have him hosting the late-night coverage so we can watch him get a bit excited over some of those curling babes. Next thing you know, they’ll have a movie about a puckhead playing the Tooth Fairy.

Speaking of puckheads, I had no idea they could be funny and play net for Canada. Now think I think of it, shouldn’t Borat be playing for Kazakhstan?

The snowboarders have their own movie star as well, and it isn’t even from one of those Cheech and Chong toke-fests. Although, perhaps had they been smoking a little reefer in that cornfield, Malachi would have mellowed out a bit.

Forget about doppelgängers for a moment. I’ve always been convinced that Wayne Gretzky and Meryl Streep are actually the same person. Have you ever seen them in the same place at the same time?

Seriously, this could be one of those “before and after” ads, or if “The Great One” went to Glamor Shots.








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