Now that 2009 is in the books, it is time to recognize some truly great achievements in the world of sport that may otherwise go unnoticed. With that, I give you the 2009 Dubsy Awards.
The Mickey Klutts Award for Unfortunate Naming
It is bad enough to be accused of being a male hiding in a female body. It is worse to then be accused of being a hermaphrodite. And it can’t help to be both and have the word “semen” in your name. Which means there was really no choice but to give this award to South African runner Caster Semenya.
The Bobby Knight Award for Achievements in Dramatic Public Meltdowns
While there were several grand moments from which to choose, for me there was none better than the game-losing missed field goal by South Carolina against Georgia that obviously ripped Carolina coach Steve Spurrier’s guts out. While lacking in exuberance, this moment has all the subtle nuances that make genuine anguish so delicious. It’s that moment when the fall from grace is complete; dominance is now irrelevance, and the last vestiges of respectability are gone. You could tell then this was the moment Spurrier quit caring.
The defining moment – the Georgia state troopers fist-bumping as the Ol’ Ball Coach tests the bursting strength of his adult diaper.
The Bevo and Ralphie Award for Mascot Buffoonery
Most mascots on horses are meant to be somewhat intimidating. Both the Trojans and the Seminoles offer a guy with some sort of weapon thundering at you on horseback. The Virginia Cavaliers attempted this same scariness, because honestly, what’s more intimidating than a guy in a big, feathery hat? How about one that does an equine faceplant?
The Budd Dwyer Award for Excellence in Career Suicide
There was really no other choice but Oregon running back LeGarrette Blount for punching a Boise State player and offering to take on the whole stadium after he failed to back up his trash-talking on the field. Granted, there was a lot of talk about Tiger Woods, but in the end we knew that story was simply about just another rich guy who can’t keep it in his pants.
By failing to exercise even the slightest bit of self-control, Blount cost himself most of a season on the field and likely reduced his draft stock to meager/non-existent levels.
Even though he ended his career, at least Blount got his money's worth; that was a great punch.
The Ed Hochuli Award for the Best Call
Sometimes, you don’t even have to be animate to win a Dubsy. This highway sign reflects the immortal words of Jerry Reed, “When you’re hot, you’re hot.”
The Jason Sehorn Award for Being Completely Overrated
Given annually to the player who has become the biggest hero on the least accomplishment, thus making one wonder why said player is so popular. Despite that the namesake of this award was a New York Giant and married to a TV star, he was really best known for being the last white cornerback in the NFL, meaning you saw his name a lot on the back of his jersey as he was chasing another receiver who toasted his ass.
This year’s recipeient continues the tradition of this award’s winner being a defensive “star” in the NFL. The combination of the early season-ending injury to three-time Sehorn award winner Brian Urlacher and the fans of the Minnesota Vikings’ inexplicable love affair with a drunkard dime-store cowboy means the 2009 Sehorn Award belongs to Jared Allen.
Allen taking time between drunk driving arrests to look like a complete idiot in that hat.
Make no mistake about this douchebag’s over-rated nature. He piles up sack numbers against injury replacements or teams that are just flat out sorry like the Lions and the Rams, then becomes a complete non-factor against even moderate offensive line talent. He also is completely useless against the run regardless of the caliber of talent facing him.
It matters little as his drinking problem leaves him one relapse away from his 4th DUI and subsequent suspension from the league.
The Clinton-Nixon Award for Cover-Up Futility
The following three quotes are perfect examples of lies so preposterous they gave away the whole story.
“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” – Bill Clinton
“I am not a crook.” – Richard Nixon
“I broke the window with a golf club to help get my husband out of the car.” – Elin Woods
Face it, we were all willing to let the whole Tiger Woods car accident thing go as a big “whatever” until we heard that lie. This was the statement that made you wonder why would a guy be fleeing his own house barefoot at three in the morning? Because he was being chased by his wife who wanted to part his hair with a 7-iron. Now, we all know why she was so interested in rearranging his skeletal structure.
The Artis Gilmore Award for Achievements in Hair Boldness
The gold teeth are a nice touch, but this is all about the locks.
Granted, there is some wild hair going on in professional sports today; a lot of it being just the massive amount of locks sported by the Troy Polamalus of the world. But hair has always been an area of individual expression in the team sport world.
Back in the day, it was Artis Gilmore who broke the mold by being the first to sport the ridiculously huge afro. Sure, that look propagated itself, and is even paid homage to today (e.g. Ben Wallace), but the Dubsy awards committee has always recognized the trend-setter or the convention-breaker.
Hence, one man stands alone with the audacity to embrace the platinum “Fro-Hawk.” The tip of the hat that should be hiding this hair goes to Chad Ochocinco.
The Kyle Orton Award for Achievements in Partying
Really, this is the one award we here at Dubsism would love to give to ourselves. Who would wouldn’t want to be recognized for good, old-fashioned partying fun that doesn’t come at the expense of others?
But this award really begs the question: How much does somebody need to acheive before they deserve to unwind a bit? Does one need to cure cancer, walk on the moon and win a Super Bowl for the Minnesota Cubs Vikings before puritanical America will cut them a break? Everybody hopped on Michael Phelps’ back for smoking a little doobage despite the fact that he is the antithesis of all those anti-drug commercials.
Partying is not a bad thing. Just don't let Jared Allen drive.
Face it, the guy didn’t spend his whole damn life eating microwave burritos and sponging off his parents; he won enough Olympic gold to give Fort Knox penis envy. Enjoy your award and your next party Michael Phelps. You deserve all the bong hits you want.