Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For…The Indianapolis Colts

Three words: Jared from Subway.

 

Why Is Anybody Surprised Johnny Damon is Still Unsigned?

Naturally, the reason the question is even being asked is because of the uniform he is wearing in the above picture. Anybody who dons the Yankee pinstripes is automatically assumed to be one of the greatest players in the history of the game. Concomitantly, they tend to be dramatically over-rated. When they are also represented by uber-agent Scott Boras, the inflation of value hits levels not seen since the Weimar Republic.

Let’s play a game called “Baseball Frankenstein.” The object is to create the worst player  possible by taking some of the worst individual skills of major leaguers.  One might start with the foot speed of Bengie Molina. It would be hard to imagine worse fielding skills than those of Adam Dunn. When it comes to the bat, add the power of Luis Castillo, and Jack Cust’s batting average.

While one could argue over the aforementioned ingredients, there’s no doubt that this creature must have the throwing arm of Johnny Damon.  This is a throwing motion that is riduculed by 13-year old softball-playing girls. Damon routinely can’t hit the cut-off man on the fly, let alone gun a runner down at the plate. Sports Illustrated did a poll of 380 major-league players, and 54 percent said Damon possessed the “worst arm” of any outfielder. This explains why opposing third base coaches now risk shredding their rotator cuffs enthusiastically windmilling runners home from second on even sharply-hit singles to Damon.

It is because of this inability to throw that prompted the Yankess to move Damon from center to left field two years ago. Even so, his arm still proves to be a liability. So much so that teams are overlooking his offense as his defense may cost a team more than Damon can provide. Damon hit .282 last season with a career-high 24 home runs. But defense has become a hot commodity amongst general managers, so much so that out of the top 50 finishers in the Holy Grail of offensive stats, OPS, only two are currently available on the open market: Damon and defensive clank-meister Russell Branyan.

In this recently begun era of financial restraint and advanced defensive statistics, baseball’s general managers like to bolster their rosters with strong fielders (see the Red Sox’ signings of  Adrian Beltre and Mike Cameron and almost every non-pitching acquisition Jack Zduriencik has made in his 15 months as the Mariners’ general manager), not only because fielding represents a newly focused-upon way to win, but also because the salaries commanded by top defensive players have yet to catch up with those of sluggers or staff aces.

Now Damon is 36 years old, and even though the Yankees two years ago shifted him to left field from center, his arm has become a genuine liability. Damon has been a free agent for more than two months, and during that time he has discovered how the free-agent market treats formerly highly paid defensively flawed 36-year-olds.

The answer: Not kindly.

 

Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For…The New Orleans Saints

They have ex-quarterbacks parading around in drag.

Not actually Bobby Hebert, but you never know...

Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

 

The Super Bowl: The Definitive Preview

Let’s start with my original playoff predictions:

2) Indianapolis Colts

Why They Can Win:

The AFC road to the Super Bowl goes through Indy. The Manning show that once was just a high-powered offense now includes a legitimate defense, and defense is what wins championships.

Why They Can’t Win:

The aforementioned Manning show loves to pick a big-game in which to not show up. With the sole exception of the Super Bowl win over the Bears, The Manning-led Colts have been the NFL’s version of Vinko Bogataj; meaning they get right to the end of the ramp before they collapse.

Odds of Winning: 2.5 to 1

 

3) New Orleans Saints

Why They Can Win:

Knowing the Saints teams I grew up watching, I never thought I would live long enough to see a guy wearing helmet with a fleur-de-lis on it hoisting a Lombardi Trophy, but it could very well happen. Drew Brees is an MVP-caliber quarterback who has clearly given this team the leader is has needed since Archie Manning in the 70’s. The difference is that Brees has a supporting cast Manning never had. Coupled with the facts that New Orleans has home-field advantage and the Saints don’t lose at home, they have to be the favorite in the NFC.

Why They Can’t Win:

Their defense has serious injury problems which have left them unable to stop the run, but the only team in the NFC that can run the ball are the Cowboys. Another injury problem lies in the broken ribs of RB Pierre Thomas. Brees may be having an MVP season, but this team doesn’t win when Thomas doesn’t carry the ball.

Odds of Winning: 3 to 1

 

Now that we are down to a head-to-head matchup, there are several categories to analyze.

1) What Vegas Thinks

Anybody who loves to bet knows professional gamblers pay attention to five key categories:

• Yards Rushing per Game – Saints 119.5, Colts 71.5
• Yards Rushing Allowed Per Game – Colts 110.0, Saints 133.0
• Points Scored Per Game – Saints 38.0, Colts 25.0
• Points Allowed Per Game – Colts 19.2, Saints 21.3
• Ratio of Points Scored to Points Allowed – Saints 1.78, Colts 1.30

I say this because the line on this game has done something quite unusual. It moved by a full three points within hours of opening. Most houses had the Sunday night opening line favoring Indy  by 3.5.  But by the following Monday morning, there was such a rush to lock in the Colts at a field goal and a hook, that the line shifted as high as 6 in some places.

Usually such a shift means that the Colts are a prohibitive favorite amongst gamblers, but the Saints control an advantage in 3 of the 5 key categories.

Advantage: Saints

 

2) The On-the-Field Matchups

Finally, the NFL has a matchup of what were the two best teams throughout the regular season. Vegas’ indecision means The Saints and Colts are very even teams, and this game provides a few key matchups that will determine the outcome.

Peyton Manning vs. the Saints’ Secondary

Peyton Manning may very well be the most extraordinary quarterback the NFL has ever seen. Not only does he throw passes with precision accuracy, he can dissect defenses the way Thomas Edison could invent.  While he can struggle against certain blitz packages, he always finds a way to get the ball into his receiver’s hands. The Colts hope, however, that Manning doesn’t fail a thousand times like Edison, or they are probably going to come out of the game empty-handed. Let’s not forget that Manning has a history of choking, something he has yet to do this season…

On the other side, the Saints secondary is one of the most underrated in the NFL.  In large part, this is due to safety Darren Sharper. As a team, the Saints racked up 26 interceptions, 9 of which came from Sharper. The Saints also have Tracy Porter (4 INTs), Jabari Greer (2 INTs), Malcolm Jenkins (1 INT), and Roman Harper (102 tackles) in the secondary to help stop Manning.

With all those picks, it is easy to see the Saints secondary is a play-making secondary, not a shutdown secondary. They’ll give up plays, but they might also turn a pick-six on you. This is the philosophy defensive coordinator Greg Williams has pushed all year, and one that will not work on Sunday against Peyton Manning. Just ask Rex Ryan.

Advantage: Manning

 

Drew Brees vs. Colts Secondary

Short of Chris Johnson, if anybody else had a claim on the MVP as much as Peyton, it was Brees. He threw for 4388 yards, 34 touchdowns against only 11 interceptions, all while completing over 70 percent of his passes.  Simply put, the Colts secondary is vulnerable. The only player to fear is safety Antoine Bethea, who has recorded 4 interceptions and 95 tackles. Cornerbacks Jacob Lacey and Jerraud Powers are solid young players. But they are just that, young and inexperienced. This means Kelvin Hayden will have to step up big for the Colts, as he will have to make plays when Brees throws his way.  The Saints have too much talent for the young Colts secondary. Receivers Marques Colston, Devery Henderson, Robert Meachem, and Lance Moore could have a field day.

Advantage: Brees

 

Reggie Bush vs. Colts Linebackers/Special Teams

Once, Reggie Bush was proclaimed a bust. But now, he is winning respect with his playoff performances. When his game is on, there are not very many players who can light up the scoreboard like he can. He can burn you out of the backfield, on screen passes, downfield passes, or even on punt returns. The Colts have two very solid linebackers in Gary Brackett and Clint Session. These two have to contain Reggie Bush. There is no other alternative; he’s the guy they absolutely have to stop. Contain him, or the game is over. As far as Bush returning punts goes, the Colts have to get a good day’s work out of punter Pat McAfee. If he kicks around Bush and cosistently pins him inside the 20, the Colts may just avoid the big play that the Saints thrive on.

Advantage: Bush

 

Saints Offensive Line vs. Colts Defensive Line

Despite what Vikings’ fans would like to belive, the Colts have the best defensive line in the NFL.  Defensive ends Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis have combined for 23 sacks this season, making them a combo the Saints should fear. However, the Saints offensive line is very good, as they held the Viking pass-rushers to just one sack from Ray Edwards. The key matchups to watch are right tackle Jonathan Stinchcomb vs. Robert Mathis and left tackle Jermon Bushrod vs. Dwight Freeney. 

Advantage: Saints Offensive Line

 

3) A Comparison of the Cities

Let’s be honest, there really isn’t much to compare. Indianapolis is representative of middle America, menaing it is clean, relatively safe, and utterly boring. Granted, this is a city that has dumped a lot of money into investing in itself, and it shows.  This is why Indy is hosting the Final Four this year, and a Super Bowl in 2012.

Then there’s New Orleans. Even before the hurricane, it was a corrupt, filthy rathole. Even looking at a map, New Orleans is in the perfect place to be America’s rectum. Every piece of shit that ends up in a river between the Appalachians and the Rockies ends up in New Orleans and accumulates there. People would have you believing that America feels sorry for this city after the hurricane. Bullshit. America loves New Orleans in much the same way they loved Corky from “Life Goes On.”  In other words, you feel bad about making fun of retards, but you are still going to laugh when they fall down a flight of stairs.

The only people who “love” New Orleans are the ones who have never had to live there. Even the Saints know this. After all, they take cash payments from the city and the state of about $15 million a year for simply not leaving.  Of course, New Orleans could just give it up and let the team move to Los Angeles.  Honestly, pro football in California makes more long-term sense than it does in Louisiana. But the idea of taking away Corky’s one precious toy is too much for America to bear.

Advantage: Colts

 

Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For…The New Orleans Saints

Their fans love to make Youtube videos that make you want to shoot yourself in the face with a nail gun. Doubt that? Check this out.

Granted, Viking fans make the worst videos, but that’s because they have the most rage issues (ASIDE: Who the hell keeps a tent in their living room? Teenage girls about to get beaten by an angry dad, that’s who). But thanks to five turnovers, they are all gone to a winter of ice fishing, binge drinking, and spousal abuse. This means we are left with the Saints and the video-making acumen of their fans.

Seriously, any rap song that includes references to red beans and rice must be a sign of the apocalypse.

 

Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: Colored Turf

Boise State started this run by acheiving notoriety with its “Smurf Turf” in the 90’s. It just so happens that was done at a time when this out-of-the way school was starting to garner some notice in the college football world. Next thing you know, there’s some odd damn thing on ESPN9 called the “Humanitarian Bowl” being played on that goofy blue field.

Face it. College football is a big business, and one that shares much with the entertainment industry. Following this, it seems they share the sense that imitation is good business. If a show on one network starts nailing down big ratings, you know you will see knock-offs across your cable box. It also seems that Bill Chaves, the Athletic Director at Eastern Washington University, thinks colored turf is a good idea.

“There is no doubt that one of Boise State’s claims to fame has been their blue turf and like it or dislike it, it has certainly brought them a tremendous amount of notoriety,” EWU athletic director Bill Chaves said. “In a similar vein we have a tremendous opportunity at Eastern to do the same by differentiating ourselves with the red turf while providing a superior playing surface.”

In other words, that means EWU is planning to install a school-color red field in its football stadium. Until recently, Boise State was the only school to deviate from the standard green. That was until Division II New Haven went blue as well, and James Madison represented the FCS with this monstrosity.

The NCAA has no provision addressing the color of playing surfaces — at least not yet — because it hasn’t had to consider the issue outside of those relatively obscure venues. But they better start thinking about this, otherwise, we run the risk of seeing games played on that seizure-inducing orange at Tennessee.

 

R.I.P. Tom Brookshier

Terms like “old school” get tossed around too much. Had you tuned in any college football game in the past four years and you would have heard this phrase to describe Tim Tebow. But this doesn’t do justice to some of the guys who played the game before Tebow. We just lost one of the greats of the era when football wasn’t a big money sport; an era when sports still stayed in perspective.

With the passing of Tom Brookshier, perhaps we should recognize that there are some players for whom there are no “old schools,” rather perhaps a set of values from which we might all draw. Brookshier was an All-Pro defensive back for the Philadelphia Eagles, later becoming a long-time broadcast announcer of the NFL.  The Philadelphia Inquirer remembered him by pointing out what set Brookshier apart.

Originally a 10th round draft pick from Colorado, Brookshier made an immediate impact with eight interceptions during his rookie season of 1953. Then, after a two-year stint in the Air Force, the defensive back returned to the Eagles and twice earned All-Pro honors – first in 1959, and again in 1960 as a member of the NFL championship team.

Keep in mind that after bursting onto the NFL scene as a rookie, Brookshier left to join the Air Force.  He served his two years, then came back to the Eagles where he established himself as one of the premier defensive backs in the game, leading the Eagles to their sole NFL championship. Granted, Brookshier was not unique in putting service to his country before his athletic career, but it is a rarity. Outside of Pat Tillman and a few others, it’s difficult to imagine today’s athletes doing the same. It’s simply a different era.

It matters little what you knew about Tom Brookshier the football player. But we could all learn from the “old school” from which Tom Brookshier the man came.

 

Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For…The Indianapolis Colts

There are several key storylines that all media outlets are required to discuss in the days leading up to the Super Bowl. Seriously, any media outlet, even penny-ante blogs, are required to cover the Manning family angle. Since the Colts have decided to employ a Manning, it is their fault we all have to live through this again.

Note the neckwear...there's always one guy who can't be a team player.

Let’s face it. The Super Bowl has become an annual Manning family reunion and it sure-as-shit ain’t the Saints fault. Archie Manning quarterbacked the Saints through 11 of the most horrible seasons any one team has ever suffered through. He was the face of a franchise that literally did not want to show its face. In return, the Saints gave him a porous offensive line and a nice concrete playing surface. In other words, the Saints tried to kill Archie Manning so his progeny couldn’t do this to all of us.

Instead, for the third damn time in four years, the Manning clan rallies around one of their own, and we get to read all about it. The senior Manning will be feted and praised, his wife will beam proudly, and Peyton will continue to imitate a quarterback who routinely wins the big games. Eli will prattle on about how the pass David Tyree caught with his head was the greatest play in the history of sports. Then there’s Cooper…the Manning’s family answer to Fredo Corleone.

All in all, a good bit of nauseating family fun and thanks to the Colts, we fans suffer once again.

 

My Annual Bert Blyleven Rant and My Solution (The Bert Blyleven Drinking Game)

While it may be January, in Minnesota that means Twins Fest, a weekend in the dead of winter dedicated to the fans of the Minnesota 9. It also means it is time for my annual “Why isn’t Bert Blyleven in the Hall of Fame?” rant.

Granted, outside of Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau, the Twins roster isn’t exactly a cavalcade of household names, and a big chunk of those names have less than 3 years experience “at the major league level,” to quote Bert Blyleven. However, that’s no excuse to shaft this team on the exposure they deserve. But if you are a Twins fan, you know what it’s like to watch great players toil in obscurity as Minnesota is a small-market team west of the Appalachian Mountains. Of course, that means the Twins might as well play their home games on the 8th moon of Neptune as far as ESPN is concerned.

Like I said, this is nothing new. Harmon Killebrew spent the 60’s being overshadowed by the likes of Mickey Mantle, even though the Killer had more career homers than the Mick. Rod Carew spent the 70’s watching Carl Yasztremski get all the attention as a hit machine, even though Carew was a far-superior all-around player. And Kirby Puckett got robbed of a 1991 MVP award just because Cal Ripken, Jr. had one of the two better-than-slightly-above average seasons in his 20-plus-year career.

Possibly the most egregious example of this small-market bias explains why Bert Blyleven can’t get into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Sure he didn’t spend his entire career in Minnesota, but he did pitch the entirety of his career in the relative obscurity of what would become known as the “small market team,” meaning Minnesota, Texas, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Minnesota again, and the California Angels.

Although it would have given me nausea on the Mr. Creosote scale to see it, my assertion is that had Blyleven pitched for the Yankees, he would have been a superstar. Just for fun, consider the following comparison of Blyleven’s career numbers to Yankee legend and Hall-of-Famer Whitey Ford.

• 287 wins – 25th All-Time (51 more wins than Ford at 236)
• 3.31 career Earned Run Average (2.75 for Ford, who never pitched in the Designated Hitter era, or after the pitcher’s mound was lowered before the 1969 season)
• 4,970 innings pitched – 13th on the All-Time list (3,170 for Ford)
• 3,701 strikeouts – 5th on the All-Time list (1,956 for Ford)
• 685 career starts – 9th on the All-Time list (438 for Ford)
• 242 complete games (156 for Ford)
• 60 shutouts – 9th on the All-Time list (45 for Ford)
• Two World Series Championships: 1979 Pittsburgh Pirates and 1987 Minnesota Twins (4 for Ford, who pitched the whole of his career with the Yankees)
• Won 20 games in 1973 (Ford only won 20 games twice, in 1961 and 1963)
• One of only three pitchers to ever win a Major League game before his 20th birthday and also win a Major League game after his 40th birthday. 

Let’s just digest some of those numbers. First, lets start with a career Earned Run Average of 3.31. In my mind the two best arbiters of a dominant pitcher are ERA and strikeouts. Granted, a career ERA of 3.31 doesn’t get him high on any lists, but then again, nobody would be considering the advent of the Designated Hitter and the lowering of the mound after the 1968 season. If that weren’t enough, a great share of the career ERA leaders are from the dead-ball era prior to 1919. But I have an inkling that if you were to ask any American League manager after 1973 if an ERA of 3.31 is far more than respectable, I suspect the answer would be a resounding “Yes!” If you don’t believe that, go look how many Cy Young winners since then have had higher ERAs.

As for strikeouts, Blyleven was 3rd all-time when he retired, and he is the only eligible pitcher with 3,000 strikeouts not inducted – passed only by Roger Clemens and Randy Johnson, and the next nine behind Bert in strikeouts are eight members of the Hall of Fame and one “for-sure” future member, Greg Maddux.)

Go here to match Blyleven’s Hall of Fame resume against several current members and some “sure-thing” future members of Cooperstown. It is easy to see that Bert’s numbers easily merit induction to Cooperstown, but it just never happens. Then, there’s the stuff numbers don’t measure. The pure smooth that only Bert’s knee-buckling curveball brought, yet the with personality brought by a guy whose off-day past-times are rumored to have included setting Tom Kelly’s shoelaces on fire. It’s the same odd combo that can sell you a house while making “Beavis and Butthead” type jokes about his broadcast partner.  

But until Blyleven is in that Hall, it can never be a true hall of greatness, rather just a hall of fame.

Ok, I’ve had my rant, and I’m good until the next time Bert doesn’t get the votes. But at least now, I’m going to file this with the rest of the things that I deal with in my tried-and-true means of anger management. For those of you fortunate enough to view Bert’s work as the Twins color guy, I give you the Bert Blyleven drinking game. Break it out on Opening Day and enjoy…

Take one drink whenever:

• Bert says “Major League Level”
• Bert says “According to my California math”
• Bert says “Get to that balance point”
• Bert says “Run Support”
• Bert circles somebody
• Bert claims to know the answer to the AFLAC trivia question

I'm circling you, Bert...How many drinks is that worth?

 Take two drinks whenever:

• Bert makes reference to the number of days until his birthday
• Bert talks about the advantage of drilling a hitter
• Bert says something about umpires not knowing how to call a curveball for a strike
• Bert takes a shot at his booth-mate
• Bert actually knows the answer to the AFLAC trivia question
• Bert makes reference to the fact he gave up a ton of home-runs in his career (double if he mentions Ron Kittle)

Take three drinks whenever:

• Bert has a rant about pitchers getting babied/not pitching enough innings
• Bert has a rant about pitchers being afraid to throw inside
• Bert reads the name of the town from the signs of people he’s circling (double if the town is in North Dakota) 

Take four drinks whenever:

• Bert plays a prank
• Bert tells a story about his major league career (double if the story involves either the 1987 Twins, the 1979 Pirates, or Ron Kittle)
• Bert circles somebody because it’s their birthday (that means seven drinks if Bert says the birthday circle recipient’s town, and eleven drinks if they happen to be from North Dakota)

 

Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For…The New Orleans Saints

Simply stated, their owner Tom Benson is completely insane.

What else explains a guy who insists on carrying an umbrella in a fucking dome?